The Pain Won’t Go Away Until We Learn the Lesson

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

Wounds I thought were healed began to burst open after a recent break-up. I had obviously not learned the lessons I was meant to years ago.

As a child I put 100 percent effort into everything I did, from schoolwork and swimming training to leadership positions. I remember feeling so sure of myself.

I drew my confidence from many areas of my life. A good student, swimming champion, school captain… I had my life sorted. Although the swimming accolades and A’s on my report card meant nothing once the bullying started.

I was bullied a number of times throughout my schooling. I moved primary schools in the hope that I could escape the cattiness of insecure girls; however, unfortunately for me, bullies seem to be everywhere. I experienced trouble at my swimming club and during my first years of high school.

Every time there was trouble my solution was to move elsewhere. I changed swimming clubs and schools, not to mention friendship groups several times.

Eventually, the bullying came to an end, but I was left with suicidal thoughts and depression. I don’t remember specifics about that time in my life. It is as if my brain blocks out those memories as a defence mechanism.

Once the bullying stopped and I recovered from my mental illness, I thought I was fine. I mean, anything’s better than having a dark cloud hanging over your head.

I’ve always been the type of person who has aimed to be the best I could be, the comedian, the agony aunt, the people pleaser. Socializing only left me drained, exhausted from entertaining those around me.

Fast-forward seven years to now…

It was only until a recent ex felt that our long-distance relationship wasn’t working that I began to question my self-worth. Wasn’t I enough? What did I do wrong? I thought I made him happy. All the emotions I felt years ago came rushing back. The wounds I thought time had healed burst right open.

Here’s the thing: Those wounds never healed. I just ran away from my issues at every chance possible. I didn’t do any work on myself after the bullying incidents; I just ran away and tried to forget. You can’t run away from your own insecurities and self-doubt.

My recent relationship wasn’t right for me. He couldn’t offer me the emotional or intellectual support I wanted, but my need to be liked caused me to ignore the relationship red flags.

After some self-reflection and reading articles on sites such as Tiny Buddha, I realized that relationships reflect how we see and treat ourselves.

I didn’t feel good enough, and found myself in relationships where I was constantly proving to them, but mainly to myself, that I was, in fact, good enough. That I was enough.

The funny thing is that no matter how hard you try, you’ll never convince the wrong person you’re right for them. You’ll spend your whole relationship wishing and wanting them to treat you the way you so desperately want to treat yourself.

The wounds never healed because I never learned the lessons I was meant to learn. Because I refused to face my childhood trauma, I was put into the same scenarios time and time again—constantly seeking everyone’s approval, wanting to be liked, and trying to prove my own worth.

I am determined that I will never feel so worthless ever again. I will not see my own worth through the eyes of another.

I have recently begun the journey of self-acceptance. My daily practices of meditation and writing in my gratitude journal continue to serve me on this journey. My mind is more focused, and by listing what I am blessed with daily, I have started to see the value of my own existence.

If you can relate to my experience, remember…

What you resist persists.

The damage caused by childhood bullying continued to resurface regardless of how many times I tried to push it aside. The same is true for you. Whatever pain from your past you’ve tried to outrun, you can’t avoid it forever. It will follow you until you face it and work through it.

Once you learn the lessons you need to learn, you can break your patterns.

By not learning what I needed to learn years ago, I was faced with the same situations over and over. We continue to have the same experiences until we get the lesson, and start applying it.

Relationships reflect what is going on inside us.

I didn’t feel worthy and sought out a relationship where I had to continually prove my value. When you completely accept yourself, you won’t settle for a relationship that you know deep down isn’t right for you.

Be grateful and let go.

Be thankful for the experiences and subsequent lessons. Painful though they may have been, they can make you stronger, wiser, happier, and better able to love and be loved. Knowing this makes it much easier to let go of what was so you can receive what is to come.

Sad woman image via Shutterstock

By Celina Murillo

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-pain-wont-go-away-until-we-learn-the-lesson/

5 Steps To An Epic 2016

When you reach the peak of a mountain, you know what you see?

The other mountains.

That’s the same with goals. That’s the same with one year after another.

You made it through 2015. It was one heck of a ride. New experiences. New people. New friends. Some negative experiences. Some really positive ones too.

And now you are looking out to 2016. 

You feel empowered, excited and so anxious at the same time.

How would this one unfold? Oooo.. would this one be more exciting than the last one.

We drift in the abyss of staying so focused on what could be the possibility of the year to come. We forget how important it is — that all those goals, hopes and dreams come true.

Being future focused is powerful. Getting all you want is joyful.

Here are 5 steps to making 2016 your most epic year yet:

1. Celebrate/Gratitude

Tons of studies, the genius scientists, gurus and my mother all have proven the power of gratitude. You know it works. Often though, its hard to be grateful. Looking at the goal list from 2015, you might feel more disappointed then excited.

I call it the Ghost of the Past. It can haunt us.

Here is another way to look at it. Instead of looking at what you couldn’t make work in last 12 months or so, think about what all did work. There is more than you may be taking credit for. Celebrating what you did achieve creates a list of reasons for you to be excited about the coming year.

Celebrate your wins. The hundreds you had this year. The growth in income, a relationship, kids…whatever it was.

2. Lessons learned

An important activity at the end of the year is to reflect on what were some of the key lessons you learned. Lessons from your past year could be your arsenal for the coming year. New skills acquired. New mindshifts. New trainings. New courses taken. These all add up.

They help us live a better life. 

Write these lessons down. Reflecting on it embeds the learnings for you. This helps accessing this information when you need it next… while you are achieving your next feat.

3. Do more by doing less

Often the common understanding for achieving more is doing more.

It may sound counter intuitive, but often doing less is better than doing more.

When you do less, you are less overwhlemed, you are more present and you are more likely to do a higher quality of work.

Doing less and more relevant tasks allows you to achieve more. Find those tasks in your work and life flow.

4. Set an audacious goal

I love this bit. Set a goal that scares you a little, excites you a LOT.

The audacity of our goals is often something that allows us to push beyond what we think is possible. Often we are limited by our own imagination. Set an audacious goal. Set 15 of them. The audacity of these goals put together with your learnings from your last year and doing the most important tasks will change your life. Forever.

5. Schedule for success

There is one big difference that has been repeatedly spotted with successful people. They schedule stuff.

They schedule for success. They put together calendars.

THEY decide how their year is going to unfold. They follow through on that plan.

Here is a video my friend Matt Boggs put together that shows a really good system for scheduling your year for success.

I am stoked for you to go ahead and rock 2016. If you are a coach, we can support your 2016 success.

By Ajit Nawalkha
http://www.finerminds.com/personal-growth/5-steps-epic-2016

11 Life Lessons Learned From Kung Fu Panda

There’s a little kid inside each and every one of us and I find it to be a sign of authenticity for those that know how to live with that kid in a compassionate and loving way. Most adults tend to neglect the little human inside of them and try their best to be and look as serious and tough as possible, but they fail miserably!

The secret to being an adult is not to totally neglect your childish part, but to learn how to deal with that side of you. There’s nothing wrong with acting childish once in a while; sleeping until noon, watching animated movies (my favorite!) or being upset for no reason.

As long as you don’t do that regularly and you know when you can cross that fine line, you are golden!

I see it as a special skill to be able to act like a child but at the same time to grow a successful business and I would even go as far as saying that knowing how and when to let that little kid inside of you do his job, is crucial in living a balanced life, letting your creative juices flow or growing a business.

So, what better way of connecting with your little self than by watching an animation movie, and probably one of the best, Kung Fu Panda. I’ve outlined some of the life lessons that caught my eye, but feel free to look even deeper.

1. Your Mind is Like Water…

…when it’s stirred it’s hard to see clearly.

Do your best to not judge a situation or, even worse, conclude it, when you are mad, sad or not in your best mood.

The 3-day rule

When you are dealing with a tough situation (not “problem”! – learn to substitute with “situation”) give yourself three days to come up with a first conclusion. When you get bad news, you feel bad and there’s nothing wrong with that – remember that you are a human being and it’s okay that some news will take away some of your energy – it’s just that when you are feeling down it’s hard to see the bright side in anything.

Allow yourself at least a day or night to sleep on it, speak with someone and then think about your situation again – it will feel lighter for sure! Experiment and see what lifts your mood because by feeling down or negative you are not helping at all. Here are 7 ways that help me when I am feeling down (yes, I love comedy!).

2. There Are no Accidents

You can call them accidents or coincidences, it doesn’t really matter.

A few months ago I had to leave the apartment I was currently renting and I’ve started looking online for a new and affordable place. After seeing hundreds of ads online and visited about 10 places, we found one that was pretty okay: the price was incredible, everything was new inside, but it was far from the city center and too small.

We (me & my girlfriend Roswitha) decided that we could make a compromise and move in there at least for six months and then we’ll see further.

The apartment was available in 2 weeks, but the person staying there didn’t want to leave. That evening we paid a visit to a good friend and we ended up staying over for dinner. We knew that the apartment next door would be available in a month, but that was too late for us.

When we got there, they told us that the people moved earlier that day. Ten minutes later we met the owner who decided to give us the apartment.

Accident? No. It was just the Universe/God taking care of us and placing us in the perfect area. We know live on the banks of a river, close to the city center and close to the biggest farmers market in town. Pretty sweet, huh?

Here’s an exercise: start seeing everything that happens to you as “good”, as something that will help you grow or as something that will make you a better human being.

3. The Answer Lies Where you Sometimes Least Expect It

The Bible says “Ask and it is given”, but often times we tend to only look where we expect to find the answer. Everything that we ask for (and believe we can get) it is given to us, we only need to:

• let the “miracles” happen – we are great at getting in the way of our own happiness
• open our minds and stop acknowledging things only if they happen as we imagined – there’s beauty in the uncertainty

4. You will Never be Prepared

Yes, you will never be perfectly prepared to start a (new) business or to learn a new language. You just have to take a leap of faith and trust that you will learn everything you need to succeed along the way.

Po (the panda guy) entered an obstacle run by mistake and you might have thought he was not prepared for it, but he finished it anyway. It’s not about how perfect you manage to do something, it’s about doing it in the first place.

 After graduating power engineering at one of the best schools in Romania, I decided (in September 2014) to start blogging full-time and build a career this way. There’s no point in telling you how many people told me I was crazy and how will I ever survive, but there was one man that believed I can make it, that knew that working as an engineer would slowly kill me.

Do you know who that person was? It was me. Sometimes you will be the only one believing in your dream and that’s okay, keep pushing because it will happen.

One year later, I am still alive, happier than ever and fully supporting myself from my online businesses, but I was so not prepared when I first made the decision.

Another reason why you are not following your dream is because of perfectionism, but I am sure this article will help!

5. Attitude is Everything

Po kept his positive attitude even when the furious five were giving him a hard time by kicking his butt. He kept on looking at the bright side of things and he was happy for just being there, slowly working on his dream instead on preparing noodles with his father.

Stop and see which side of the coin you are looking at and question if it’s the only way of looking at things, or you could do yourself a favor and see everything from a more optimistic perspective?

Being an optimist does not mean that you are irresponsible. It just means that you choose to see everything in a brighter and happier perspective.

Some might call you a dreamer and that’s fine because by seeing everything as something good, you will attract more good into your life and soon you will be called “the lucky one”. But it has nothing to do with luck, it has everything to do with the choices that you once made.

6. There’s no Bigger Pain than Doing Something You Don’t Love

No pain doing what you love is going to be as painful as doing what you don’t like.

Po was able to take in all the obstacles that he had to face as a kung-fu warrior and they weren’t as painful as cooking noodles with his father, because even though he was not as great as he’d like to be, he was at least working on his dream and not on his father’s dream for him.

The deal with parents is that they love us so much and they only want what’s best for us, they only want what they believe it’s best for us. And that’s okay because they have their own fears and doubts, plus we live different times now. I do love and appreciate my parents for all they did for me and I am sure you feel the same, but have you ever told them those three magic words? I am on a mission to help people share their true feelings with the ones they love the most. No one deserves to die without hearing “I love you” from his children. 

Read my story on telling my parents how much I love them and do the same – it’s amazing how relieved you will feel and how much it can change your relationship with them.

Being able to make a living writing and coaching people online was my dream for the past five years. During this time, I had several other Summer jobs and, of course, University. Since September 2014 I blog full-time and there were some rough times where I couldn’t pay for rent, but it was not as painful as making someone else rich and not being able to let all my creativity unfold.

There’s no bigger pain than not doing what you’re supposed to do. When you see someone that is not doing his highest purpose it’s for these reasons:

• He’s doing the job for the money
• He’s doing it to please other people (read parents)
• Or he lived in a culture that did not teach him that he has the power to create his own job and make a living out of it

I dare you to do yourself a favor and start pursuing your passion and build a business out of it because it’s possible, even for an engineer from Romania like myself.

7. Everyone Has Their Unique Form of Motivation

When he got to the temple, Po was very slow and his punches were so weak, but when he got to the room with all the sweet stuff, something amazing happened: he was more likely to fight for something he liked (cookies) than for anything else. He smacked a lot of the drawers in order to get some candy.

It’s the same with you, once you manage to find what drives you, you’ve found the key to his success.

Master Shifu used this piece of wisdom on in his training with Po by promising all kinds of food if he manages to finish his training. It’s very important to develop and maintain a teachable attitude in life if you want to be happy – if you’re always stuck in old patterns, it will be pretty hard to move forward and enjoy life.

Tony Robbins talks about how we link pain and pleasure in his book “Awaken the Giant Within” and how this defines our levels of happiness and success. The good news is that once we are able to link pleasure with a healthy habit we will be automatically drawn to that specific practice. The bad news is that it works the same with unhealthy habits – the key is in your hands, though!

8. Learn How to Use Your Own Gifts

We all have our own set of gifts, but often times it’s easier to look at others, see their strengths and become victims because we don’t own the exact set of strengths.

We are all unique, with unique experiences and gifts, it’s just that some of us seem to have mastered their set. Take the time to get to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, this will give you a huge advantage in life because this means walking the extra mile.

I talk more about finding your true voice in another article here on PickTheBrain – 12 Enjoyable Steps to a More Balanced Life. Chris Winfield also wrote an amazing guide on becoming your best self where he shares some powerful ideas on rituals and what the pro’s do.

9. There’s no Quick Way to Mastery

It took Tigress 20 years to develop strong hands, 20 years of practicing.

Too many people live under the impression that there’s a quick way to mastery and being legendary, but the hard truth is this: you have to work your butt off in order to reach success.

We live in a world that is full of overnight successes which leave us with the wrong impression of doing something wrong or being a failure if we’re not becoming successful as fast as the other ones.

I love to read success stories, but they usually don’t share the hard truth behind them because it’s not fancy, it’s boring and full of sleepless nights, wet tissues and hopeless situations. Rovio, the company that created Angry Birds launched 51 games that “failed”  until they were able to come up with the brilliant one, but 90% of the people believe that it was an overnight success.

Mastery is all about developing healthy habits which will raise your chances of becoming successful, but that takes time and perseverance. Success is a lifestyle change, not a diet!

10. You Don’t Have to Look like a Hero

Your parents, teacher and the media has given you the impression that in order to be loved, to be successful, to be happy you have to be, act or look a certain way.

We are all different and what might work for one, will not work for someone else, that’s why you need to start looking inside, get to know yourself and define what success or happiness means for you! It may be arts, music, writing or speaking, but you will not know until you stop and analyze which thoughts are yours and which thoughts are borrowed.

Po is the last person you’d think to master the art of kung-fu and even though it’s an animated movie, it’s the same in real life. Think about how many excuses you find to not be successful: you’re too fat, young, thin, not educated, poor parents, abandoned, alcoholic parents, bad neighborhood and so on.

All of the above are tough experiences, but they helped you grow in some weird ways that you might never understand. Live with them and with your power in those exact experiences.

11. You Decide How Your Story Will End!

Even though your story had a bad or unfortunate start, or you’ve experienced a lot of pain along the way (like we all do by the way) it’s not who you are. You are bigger than your story, bigger than your past and much bigger than all your suffering.

Learn to let go of the victim mentality and move into an empowering state of being because even though it started badly, you can choose how it will end. You have the power to turn your life around, become happy, change the world and leave a mark on this planet.

Conclusion

The conclusion is pretty straightforward – be more of who you really are. Allow yourself to act like a child every now and then, learn how to use your unique gifts and, most importantly, decide how do you want your story to end.

If you are new to this type of movies and would love a head start on which ones share valuable life lessons, check out my other article “15 Life Lessons Learned From Animation Movies”.

BY MIHAI HERMAN

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/11-life-lessons-learned-kung-fu-panda/