Owning Your Loneliness: A Quest For Self Love

Where I grew up, the most important thing you could be as a woman was married.

There was no talk of independence or self love, but monologues on the importance of familial duties. As a kid, I was constantly nervous about this — I was worried about living with someone other than my family, having to change my name, and having to take care of someone other than myself.

I was so concerned with the long, slow process of waiting for this to all happen, that, at age five, I found a friend, proclaimed that he and I would wed, and assumed that it was all taken care of.

Twenty years later, my former friend is married, and I am not. Another friend is about to tie the knot, as several others are celebrating anniversaries. Countless others in my social circle are either in the process of nuptials, waiting on the proposal, or blissfully romantically engaged. I spend a lot of evenings doing homework or crocheting – alone.

This fact bothered me for the longest time.

Despite my constant assurances that I am a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man, or that I have cast off the chains of my raisings to believe that women can be anything — married or not, I often feel fundamentally wrong in my solitude.

I’ve never been one to date. This isn’t out of total indifference, but a little bit of both my social anxiety and unwillingness to spend my time with someone I’m just not interested in.

Besides my parents, society is overwhelmingly concerned with my singleness. According to Hollywood, I’d be cast as either the young spinster or the aging bachelorette. According to popular media, I should be pining away on Tinder or some other dating app, desperately searching for my Mr. Right.

At twenty-five, I’ve already heard every cliché, from “Your time will come,” to “You do have a biological clock, you know”. And even those who say “you’re young! Take your time!”, there is an underlying assumption that, eventually, my time will be up and I will need to nab myself a partner before it gets ridiculous.

But, what if I like being alone? What if I find romance attractive, sexy, and fun, but not per-requisite to my happiness?

What if I don’t want children? What if I want to love people — deeply, passionately, openly, and fully, but in many different ways and under many different circumstances? What if a ring on my left hand doesn’t dictate my self-worth?

These are all questions I ask myself as I fill out another RSVP card, without a plus one. And in spite of these questions, and my strong feminist beliefs, I still feel a pang of embarrassment. These questions are mirrored with “Should I be with someone?” “Is there something wrong with me?” as my parents ask me if I’ve met anyone and if they should expect grandchildren.

People assume that I am lonely, and sometimes I suppose I am. But what I really am is alone, and that’s not a bad thing.

The first person I have to learn to love and spend genuine time with is myself. This is a concept I believe many people are uncomfortably with. I see people distracting their feelings about themselves by projecting them onto others. I see them enter into relationships because they need external validation, rather than self-comfort.

I am no pro at self-love for self-validation, though I am trying. I criticize no one for their romantic endeavors, who submit that they cannot live without their second half – for the men and women with their dream wedding Pinterest boards. There is room enough in this world for the couples and the singles; for the duos, the packs, the herds, and lone wolves.

I do question if society’s obsession with matching people up in neat pairs is misguided, and even potentially dangerous. I think equal encouragement should be placed on find your soulmate, and finding your soul.

We exist only for a short while, and though it is beautiful to love and give yourself to another, it is important to love and give to yourself.

http://www.finerminds.com/love-relationships/owning-loneliness-quest-self-love

5 Mantras To Comfort You When You're Feeling Lonely

I moved across the country a few days ago. A one-way ticket 4,817 miles away from my partner, friends, soccer team, and the city I've lived for more than a decade. Right now, I'm distracted by the excitement, the settling in. But the mild hum of anxiety underneath it all alerts me of what I've been most afraid of since deciding to leave my comfortable life: loneliness.

Loneliness used to terrify me. I think I feared that if I felt lonely, I'd lose my mind and develop an attachment to an inanimate object or something, like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. I couldn't sleep alone until I was 12 (hold the "Attachment Issues" remarks). I couldn't spend more than a night away from my partner until I was 27. My understanding of loneliness was conflated with rejection, inadequacy, and worthlessness. It meant failure, and worst of all, it meant I had to be with myself and only myself.

It's not like loneliness has transformed into a totally benign feeling for me, but I am at the point where I can do things like move across the country alone and not have a panic attack (yet!). And although I'm tempted to pack my schedule and text my friends until I develop carpel tunnel to avoid feeling lonely, I know that would just be a recipe for anxiety and shame.

So rather than trying to prevent loneliness, I'm going to try use the techniques and reminders I have for the past few years to cope with the discomfort. Here they are:

1. Every single person on the planet feels lonely sometimes.

Loneliness, like most other feelings, is there to tell us something important. It's there to say, I yearn to connect. I want love and closeness.

Our society tends to pathologize it by portraying lonely people as flawed, weak or not enlightened enough; yet these are unhelpful products of our independence-valuing culture. Loneliness in normal, healthy and universal.

Remember that the family member you see as the most independent, and both counterparts of the couple you perceive to be in the healthiest, happiest relationships, feel lonely at times. They also feel sad, angry, hurt, anxious, and inadequate at times. No matter what you're experiencing, I promise you there are hundreds of thousands of others feeling that same thing at that same time.

2. Actually, everyone is alone.

I remember a therapist once telling me, "The longest relationship you'll ever have in your life is the one with yourself. So why not try to have a better relationship with yourself?" Romantic relationships end, people die, but you're with yourself always.

Hunter S. Thompson said, "We are all alone, born alone, die alone...I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important." So remember that: you may be alone, but you are also the only person who can fully be on your team.

3. We are all connected after all.

In Buddhist philosophy, there is no self, and no separation between you and me and the air we breathe and the food we eat. OK, I know this might be a tough one to grasp, but hear me further. Think about it: one moment, a plant breathes in carbon dioxide, which becomes part of the plant, which then expels oxygen, which becomes part of the air, which we then inhale, which then becomes a part of our blood. Similarly, one moment lettuce is part of the ground, then we eat a salad and it's part of us, then.... you get the idea.

We're all connected to each other and to the rest of the universe. Perhaps this is too abstract for you to swallow, and that's fine. But don't dismiss it just yet. Observe your environment for yourself and notice how everything is connected. It will make the loneliness less acute.

4. Loneliness will always pass.

Loneliness makes each second feel longer, heavier: it feels like time is frozen and our pain is eternal. But loneliness, just like any other thought, feeling, or sensation, is impermanent. Uncomfortable as it is, remember that it will come and go. Remind yourself of this when as you breathe through the discomfort.

5. I can make space for loneliness and practice being kind to myself.

When I'm feeling lonely, I'm tempted to turn my back to that loneliness — to beat myself up for feeling it, telling myself that I'm pathetic. Then I run away from it, perhaps to Facebook or the fridge or the nearest form of chocolate.

But sometimes, if I can catch myself on autopilot, I can look inward and offer myself a soothing statement. Something like, You're hurting right now. You want to feel something else. It will pass, but remember it's OK to feel lonely and means you're human.

In doing so, we create enough space to do react to and ease the pain of our loneliness in a more serving way, perhaps by listening to music, journalling, practicing yoga or calling a loved one if the loneliness is momentary; or by volunteering, joining a support group or class, or reevaluating the relationships in our life if the loneliness is chronic.

Pema Chodron says, "Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in...When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down." So invite your loneliness in.

Photo Credit: Stocksy

by Megan Bruneau

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17064/5-mantras-to-comfort-you-when-youre-feeling-lonely.html

What to Do When You Feel Alone and Unloved

Do you sometimes feel alone and unloved? Is this a chronic state? Perhaps you wonder why you never get invited anywhere. Perhaps you’ve reached out to a friend when you’re having a crisis only to be ignored, Perhaps your romantic relationship has ended and you feel broken and crushed.

It’s normal to feel this way occasionally, but if these thoughts and feelings persist, the feeling of being unloved and unwanted will wreak havoc on your chakras, especially the heart chakra.

If you’re in a relationship and feel lonely, it might help to know that if love isn’t coming from the source you want it to come from, it may be because the person you love cannot express love to you in a way that you want or understand. For example, not everyone is touchy and expresses love with physical affection. But if that’s how you perceive that love should be expressed, you’re bound to feel disappointed (especially if you never communicate this need!).

Love can mean different things to each of you. It’s important to discuss how you need love to be expressed to you, and how you like to express love. How you express it, may not be what the other person is expecting or wanting!

Here are just a few ways that love is expressed. You’ll know immediately which ones are meaningful to you and which feel like “Really? This is love?”

• Physical affection: hugging, holding hands, kissing, stroking
• Sex
• Talking/listening about dreams, passions, goals
• Love notes
• Sharing time together in mutual interests/activities
• Verbal expressions of love and appreciation
• Gifts: anything from a little artisan chocolate to a cruise around the world
• Keeping memories (photo albums, etc.)
• Financial support
• Helping without being asked, or without argument if asked
• Taking care of yourself physically
• Cooking, cleaning and other forms of caregiving
• Refraining from clingy, jealous words or behaviors
• Demonstrating respect

You may be surprised – or not – that many people actually feel lonely and unloved within a relationship. Your partner may be too wrapped up in career, or kids, to devote much attention to you. Or, you may have neglected to communicate how you need love to be expressed to you and so your partner is showing you love in his or her way, which may not be what you want.

If you’re feeling alone or unloved, it’s easy to play the blame game or worse, to wallow in self-pity. Loneliness is a breeding ground for negative, dis-empowering and self-critical thoughts. “Why doesn’t anybody love me? What’s wrong with me?” and other self-destructive thoughts can spiral down into depression very quickly. Ironically, when you feel like this, it’s easier to withdraw even more. Instead of using loneliness to encourage seeking social activities, we curl up in the fetal position, “me vs. the world.”

It’s a very hostile way to see yourself – that you’re unlovable. You may unconsciously act out the “truth” that your self-critical self-talk proclaims. For example if you tell yourself that you “are no good at talking to strangers” – is it any wonder that you stand alone by the punch bowl and make yourself stand out? Or, if you tell yourself that “I don’t have any friends” and then never pick up the phone to invite someone for coffee… is it any wonder you never get calls? People like reciprocity. If they’re always the ones doing the inviting, and you never make the effort, it makes them feel sad and lonely too but admittedly it’s really hard to think this way when you’re in the depths of self-pity!

The reason you have an inner critic is to protect you from uncomfortable and potentially painful situations. Instead of taking a deep breath and approaching a stranger (and possibly being rejected) you hang out at the punch bowl and receive a chemical reward instead.

But sometimes it’s a “nice” voice and other times, quite awful. You might hear, “It’s okay, you don’t have to stay at the party! It’s boring anyway and you love hanging out at home alone reading your favorite books!” or… “See, I told you not to go. Nobody’s talking to you because you don’t fit in!”

Ouch, right? You’re not alone in this, so how come some people find it easier to talk to strangers and actually take the action necessary to have a wide and active social circle?

You may feel good temporarily if you listen to the inner critic, but overall you feel terrible because you don’t make friends easily. So instead of listening to those verbal self-attacks,challenge them through self-talk and courageous action. It takes effort and you can do it in small steps (no pressure to become the life of the party!) but believe me, it’s worthwhile.

Some helpful tips:

Read up on or conversation starters so you always have something friendly and engaging to say in social gatherings.

Put a SMILE on your face. I can’t stress this enough! Even if you’re petrified, smile. If someone catches your eye as you scan the room looking for a familiar or friendly face, smile.

Be a friend. If you’re going to attract friends, you have to be a friend. Start with the friends you have now. Call your friends and invite them to do things. They might just bring other people with them, and your circle can expand.

Every day, affirm, “I love myself.” You can’t ever say this enough, so do it often. This affirmation will create positive neural pathways in the brain that focus on self-love – which will radiate outward as confidence, high self-esteem, friendliness, approachability and it will change your life!

Forgive yourself! We find it easier to forgive others than ourselves. Keep in mind, all negative (hurtful) behaviors come from a person’s inner pain. They don’t come from a happy, loving place. Be compassionate to the pain, and use the above affirmation to increase your self-love.

Finally, think outside yourself. When you’re thinking “I am lonely, nobody loves me,” etc. it’s all “me, me, me” and your ego gets all riled up because of this. So think about others. How about volunteering one day a month? That won’t put a dent in your schedule, and it will put the focus on helping others, which automatically makes you feel better about yourself. And it’s a great topic of conversation.

It will take time to reprogram yourself to love yourself to the point that that love radiates from you – and effortlessly attracts the right people. So don’t give up on yourself; and meantime, immerse yourself in your passions!

http://www.chakrahealing.com/blog/what-to-do-when-you-feel-alone-and-unloved/