Why it’s OK to be Attracted to Others in Loving Relationships

by ALETHEIA LUNA

Infidelity, cheating and affairs . . . these are topics that we tiptoe around discussing when we’re in relationships. The prospect of being lied to and cheated on by our significant others is not only a terrifying prospect to dwell on, but it’s an even more frightening notion to consider committing against those we love. It’s no wonder that we are so averse to exploring this topic in our everyday lives!

The truth is that life is capricious and unpredictable, and while many of us are under the illusion that avoiding what makes us feel uncomfortable and embarrassed is the solution, we really need to have an open conversation that explores this taboo—and much feared—area of life.

It’s time that we stop ignoring the ominous “elephant in the room,” and start exploring why we feel so ashamed about feeling attracted to other people in loving relationships.

If you feel distressed, depraved, guilty or embarrassed for feeling attracted to others in your loving relationship, don’t allow your conscience to continue withering under the weight of your shame. Keep reading to discover why it is not only OK to feel attracted to others, but why it is normal as well.

Being Attracted to Other People is Not a Crime

Let me share with you something about myself. I am fortunate enough to currently be in a very loving, very satisfying long-term relationship that I never thought was possible to have with another human being. So I was very shocked and very surprised when I began to feel attracted to other people in my life. To my horror I found (and continue to find), that I feel intellectually, emotionally and physically attracted to others in my life completely out of the blue and with no warning whatsoever.

“What the hell is WRONG with me?” I have wondered many times before, “Why do I feel this way? . . . I SHOULDN’T feel this way.” And so ensues the endless hours of self-criticism and merciless put-downs.

Does this sound familiar to you?

If you have made feeling attracted to other people a crime in your life, you will most likely feel dirty, flawed, and irredeemably guilty like I have often felt before. Furthermore, you were probably indoctrinated with the unrealistic, fantasy-land ideal of "True love means that it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to be attracted to others."

Let me tell you something very simple . . . this is a completely unrealistic, and completely false.

Unless you are demisexual and only feel attracted to those you have created mental or emotional bonds with, you will always feel attracted to other people, EVEN in loving relationships. This is simply the nature of being a sexual being.

For sexual beings, being attracted to others is a normal way of life—whether it is that toned guy with the infectious smile at the Deli, the girl with the big boobs and alluring perfume at work, or the neighbor with the charming personality and hysterical jokes. Feeling attracted to other people does not make you evil, it does not make you a philanderer, and it does not make you guilty of a terrible crime.

But what does count is what you decide to do with these feelings.

How Being Attracted to Others Evolves into Cheating and Lying

It is perfectly normal and perfectly OK to feel attracted to others in loving relationships. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either crippled by insecurity (e.g. “If they feel attracted to ____, they will stop feeling attracted to me and will therefore leave me”), or is deluded by the mistaken belief that “being in love means you can never be attracted to others.”

While it is OK to feel physically, emotionally and/or mentally attracted to others, the real problems start when, out of shame, we begin to hide away these feelings and refuse to acknowledge them both to ourselves and to our partners. We will explore how to acknowledge these feelings to ourselves and our significant others a bit later.

But for now it’s really important to understand that secrecy is the core root of all “evil” in relationships as it breeds lying and cheating.

When we hide from any uncomfortable truth within ourselves—such as the fact that we feel attracted to others—we breed a type of neuroticism within us that accumulates more and more. The more we shroud our thoughts and feelings in secrecy, the more they weigh down on us and lurk in the corners of our minds. Through time, our repressed feelings and thoughts grow into monster issues that perpetuate our feelings of guilt and dirtiness. We find that we start having sexual dreams about others that we can’t avoid, or we start having uncontrollable lust issues that we don’t know how to put a reign on. Sometimes we even give into our morbid curiosities and start affairs and secret rendezvous as a way of appeasing the morbid curiosity of our Shadow Selves.

. . . and why?

All because we made feeling attracted to others a crime inside of our minds—all because we denied ourselves the right to experience and accept these feelings from the very start.

But don’t beat yourself up. I know what it’s like to feel the insufferable weight of guilt constantly press down on your shoulders, and I know what it’s like to slowly remove the burden of self-inflicted blame from your life. While the lessons that I’ve learned might not be able to solve every problem in your life right now, I do hope they help you to heal that part of you that feels “criminal” inside.

How to “Clear the Air”

First, I want to write a disclaimer. This article is written for, and directed towards, loving relationships that are built on equality and trust. If your relationship is unhealthy, unequal and/or destructive, and if you have other people in the picture (for example, children), it is not always possible to be open to your partner about your feelings of attraction towards another person or people. It is even possible that in some types of relationships (e.g. physically or emotionally abusive ones) being open and “clearing the air” can do more long-term harm than good. It is up to you to determine what kind of relationship you have and whether it would be wise or not to “clear the air.”

However, it is always possible for you to be open with yourself about your feelings of attraction towards others. Sometimes forgiving yourself and giving yourself the permission to feel what you feel is all you need to move on with your life.

It can take a lot to rewire the “you-should-never-feel-attracted-to-others-in-relationships” belief that you have been indoctrinated (usually through religion) to believe for most of your life. So if you are struggling to give yourself the permission you need to move on with your life, try repeating the following affirmations to yourself:

“It is OK to feel attracted to others, but I choose [my partner].”

"I embrace my right to feel attracted to others. This is normal and this is acceptable."

"Although I feel attracted to this man/woman, I choose [my partner] for a good reason."

Like me you will find that through constant mental repetition of these affirmations, you will start to embrace the inevitability of feeling attracted to others, and you will let go of the guilt associated with these feelings. Remember, you chose to be with your partner for a very good reason, and it is important to remind yourself of that.

If you discover that you are still struggling to release the guilt you feel after repeating these affirmations to yourself many times, you are probably suffering from cognitive dissonance; or the state of having two conflicting feelings and beliefs, where one side of you wants to forgive yourself, and the other wants to continue holding yourself guilty. In this case, your word alone (at first) might not be enough to convince you that you are not at fault.

So let me give you mine:

I give YOU the permission to see that it is perfectly OK to feel physically, emotionally and/or mentally attracted to another person in a loving relationship.

Take this to heart.

Letting Your Partner Know

Did I just sense an impending feeling of doom well up within you? This is normal, don’t worry!

Letting your partner know that you find others attractive doesn't have to be as hard or as apocalyptic as you make it out to be. It can be as simple as, “That guy has a cute face, he reminds me of Orlando Bloom,” or “There’s this woman at work, she has these massive D-cups that she’s always showing off,” or “I love that guy’s smile, don’t you?” There are an infinite number of subtle ways to indicate that you find someone else attractive. You don’t necessarily need to come out and bluntly say, “Geez, that guy/girl has such a HOT BODY,” or “Wow, that woman intoxicates me with her tantalizing personality and ssssssashaying hips” to our romantic partners, but it is necessary to acknowledge your attraction in some way, shape, or form so as to not continue repressing it.

Also, remember that feeling attracted to others is a two way street. If your partner extends the courtesy of being understanding and good-natured towards you, be mindful of returning the same favor to them. Our insecurities can make us jealous, obsessive and over-reactive, so be aware of how you respond to your partner. In other words, treat them how you would like to be treated: with open-mindedness and acceptance.

Remember, the more comfortable and accepted they feel, the more likely they will feel safe enough to openly share with you how they feel in the future.

http://lonerwolf.com/attracted-to-others/

8 Twin Flame Stages – Are You Experiencing This?

The love experienced between two reunited twin flames is like a wild beast.

It can’t be captured. It can’t be contained. It can’t be tamed. Instead, it burns fiercely with an unquenchable form of intensity that is both exhilarating and formidable. The love experienced between twin flames is like Holy Fire: it burns you to ashes, but it also forges you into a new creature, like a Phoenix emerging out of the dust.

Although every twin flame relationship is unique and can’t be simplified, there is a general pattern that tends to emerges in these unions. As a person who went through a twin flame fusion, I know how overwhelming (and even terrifying) such an experience can be. I would have loved to read an article on common tell-tale twin flame signs when I was going through such a disorientating experience. But back then I knew nothing of twin flames or their significance. So here I would like to provide you with what I lacked: a general map that can help to guide you and pinpoint where you are right now.

8 Major Twin Flame Stages

Twin flames are said to be beings that aid our souls in finding completion. Ancient Greek philosopher Plato first created the idea of souls “split in two” that eternally yearn to find their “other halves.” These days we still carry around this idea of “find our other half,” but unfortunately we believe that it is absolutely imperative for us to find another person to be complete. Please keep in mind that while twin flames do help us to experience unconditional love and grow immensely as people, not all of us find our twin flames, and not all of us need twin flames to feel complete. Please read “7 Common Myths Embellishing Twin Flame Relationships” to read more about this.

Also, it helps to remember that the degree to which you can experience harmony in your twin flame relationship is dependent on your level of soulful maturity. For example, two old souls will have a much easier time at “holding it all together” than two young souls. You can read more about soulful maturity here and soul ageshere.

So keeping this in mind, what are the eight major twin flame stages that you’ll likely experience in your relationship?

Stage One – Yearning for “The One”

In this preliminary stage you have spent your entire life pining for "The One" that doesn’t yet exist in your life. You have this strange sensation that someone who is perfectly molded to you is “out there” but you don’t quite know where or when they will appear in your life. Although you ache for your twin flame, you have a feeling they will appear to you at some point.

This stage is also sometimes spent “preparing” for the arrival of the twin flame on an unconscious level. In my instance, I had to learn how to love myself before I met mine. For others, this stage of preparation involves the development of self-awareness, discovery, and understanding.

Stage Two – Glimpsing “The One”

At some point, you will have a brief glimpse of your twin flame. Whether this is through a dream signal, or through a real life meeting, suddenly the Beloved can be sensed. The result is profound. Wonder, joy, anxiety and intoxication quickly ensue. For those cautious among us, a lingering sense of intense curiosity and desire to get to know the person better is the result. You don’t know what it is exactly, but this person is extremely special. Like me, you may even sense that this person will play an immensely important role in your life – even before you know them properly.

Stage Three – Falling in Love

When you fall for this person, you will fall very, very hard. You will fall harder than you have ever fallen for anyone – and the impact will knock the breath right out of you. In fact, as you get to know your twin flame better, you will fall more and more deeply in love with them. As a result, you’ll find it hard to stand with two feet on the ground. You might feel disorientated, lovesick and “unlike yourself.” You may even try to resist the attraction, but eventually you’ll accept the reality that you’re deeply and madly in love.

Stage Four – The Fairy-Tale Relationship

As both of you eventually make your feelings known and enter into a relationship, life will feel like a fairy-tale. Your relationship with them will be perfect in every possible way. It will seem as though your twin flame fulfills every single need you have and everything you ever possibly wanted. This taste of “paradise” is what the matured twin flame relationship looks like after the next few stages of turmoil.

Stage Five – Outer Turmoil and Inner Purging

In this stage there is trouble in paradise. As the ecstasy from the initial meeting period wares off, egos start to flare up. Suddenly differences in opinion, taste and personality arise, and old core wounds emerge out of the gloom. While our twin flames share and mirror our deepest needs, desires and dreams, they also tend to mirror our shadow selves. For example, if you are an emotionally repressed person, your twin flame will likely be emotionally explosive. If you tend to be arrogant, your twin flame will most likely be uncertain and quiet. In this way our twin flames challenge us, riling up our insecurities. This can be infuriating, devastating and very painful.

While all the arguing and fighting in this stage may seem disastrous, the truth is that it is necessary for our growth. Without being provoked, without seeing ourselves for who we “really” are, we live in illusion and fail to grow soulfully. But this is certainly hard to realize while you’re going through such turbulence in your relationship!

Stage Six – The Runner and Chaser

As tensions mount it is common for one partner (or sometimes both) to emotionally or physically withdraw and “run” away, and another to pursue in a game of cat and mouse. Sometimes this involves emotional shut down and silent treatments. Other times this involves physical separation and in extreme cases, the permanent termination of the relationship. In this stage, twin flames experience a trial by fire.While some relationships last and are strengthened, others crumble to pieces. As I mentioned at the start, this is all dependent on each partner’s soulful maturity. Sometimes one partner leaves for many years and then returns, only to repeat the cycle once again. The chaser, on the other hand, tends to be the more mentally and emotionally mature partner of the two, trying to sort everything out and make amends.

Stage Seven – Surrender and Dissolution

Once the shadow of your relationship has been revealed, you may experience a period of surrender. After so much anguish, distress and provocation, you both begin to open up about your wounds and insecurities. In this stage it is common to experience a lot of ego dissolution and soulful expansion. As the ego relaxes, powerful lessons are learned about the nature of oneself and the nature of the “other.” As you begin learning how to work through your differences, the maturity of your relationship deepens and thus strengthens.

It is common to go through stages six and seven many times throughout your relationship.

Stage Eight – Oneness

As the problems in your relationship become increasingly easy to deal with, you will enter a period of soul reunion. In stage eight it is common for you to both find a shared meaning, passion or cause that brings you a mutual sense of fulfillment. As the ego continues to relax, virtues such as forgiveness, understanding, empathy and patience are learned. The more you both work through each issue that comes your way vigilantly, the more you experience the sensation of “Oneness,” or ego death.

This is a true miracle.

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Have you found your twin flame? Which of these twin flame stages have you experienced in life and what insights can you share? I’d love to hear from you below.

by ALETHEIA LUNA

http://lonerwolf.com/twin-flame-stages/

6 Examples of Psychological Projection We All Commit

I tend to make assumptions a lot, about everything and everyone.

While I have mostly learned the hard way that most people don’t actually think, feel and reason the same way I do, I realized long ago that the tendency to make assumptions is a form of naivety that we are all born with to some extent.

Unfortunately, making assumptions – which is closely linked to something known as psychological projection – is not only something that we all do, but it is common for us to suffer greatly at the expense of such a habit. If you are a chronic projector you will experience a great deal of anxiety around other people, as well as other unpleasant emotions like anger, disappointment, resentment and prejudice on a daily basis.

Keep reading to discover whether you’re a “serial projector” or not in your daily life.

What is Psychological Projection (In Layman’s Terms)?

What happens when you have a whole bunch of uncomfortable, embarrassing and annoying emotions that you don’t want to unconsciously deal with? According to famous psychologist Sigmund Freud these emotions are projected on to other people, so that other people become carriers of our own perceived flaws. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for us, this form of emotional displacement makes it much easier to live with ourselves … because everyone else is responsible for our misery – not us!

As a result of externalizing our emotions and perceiving them in others, we continue suffering terribly, often creating false self-images that portray us as “the victim” or “the good/righteous person” when the reality is that we aren't.

Common Examples of Psychological Projection

The trick to seeing through the guise of projection is to become aware of the sneaky habitual cycles we get into on a daily basis. Some of the most common examples of psychological projection that we all commit are expanded on below:

1. “He/she hates me!”

Whether at home, at work or in any other situation, we have all believed that our bosses, co-workers, mother in laws, extended family members and other people we’ve come in contact with “hate” or “dislike” us for no reason. While we are convinced that the words, intonations and brief looks given to us are reflections of hidden hatred, most of us fail to realize that believing someone “hates us” is often a result of projection. If we have a strong dislike for someone in the first place it is common for us to protect ourselves against this feeling by projecting it into another.

2. “Oh my god, she’s so fat/ugly/slutty!”

How often have you bitched about another woman (or man) whose physical appearance was somehow displeasing to you? You might have felt an immense sense of distaste and dislike for this person, when in fact this chagrin is a protection mechanism veiling your own deeper body-image issues. Likely, you are deeply insecure about your own body, and thus unconsciously project this loathing onto others.

3. “Other people make me uncomfortable.”

Often the anxiety and tension we feel around others is a reflection of the way weperceive ourselves. When we are insecure or have low self-esteem, it is common to perceive the problem as being with other people and not ourselves. This classic form of projection is common amongst those suffering from social anxiety.

4. “If I can do it, other people can as well.”

This is perhaps one of the most nauseating types of projection others make – which, while flattering and motivating in some ways, is completely unrealistic in others. How often have you heard commercials or advertisements with happy shiny people proclaiming, “I lost 30 kilos in 3 weeks – you can too!” or, “I earned $1,245 dollars overnight – you can too!” This is a common example of projection that fails to take into account the fact that everyone has a different level of capability. It is also common for us to personally commit this kind of psychological projection as well. For example, with our children we might think, “If I was a good athlete, she will be as well” or with our co-workers we might think, “If I could organize that project, he can as well.” Often this form of projection creates a lot of frustration and disappointment.

5. “That is gross/bad, get it away from me.”

What we react the most strongly to says the most about what we place the most importance in. For instance, if we can’t stand watching sex on TV this could very well be a reflection of a hidden sexual shame or insecurity we have in ourselves. Homophobia as well is also often a type of projection, especially amongst religious people (for instance, did you know the highest amount of gay porn is consumed by “Bible Belt” states in the US?).

6. “He/she is having an affair.”

The fear that your partner/spouse is having an affair or is untrustworthy is often a reflection of the way you feel about yourself. All normal people functioning in relationships feel attracted to other people at one point or another, and sometimes this self-discovery is met with fear and shame which is then often projected onto the other partner.

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Remember that these six examples only reflect what sometimes happens, not what always happens. For example, your partner may indeed be cheating on you, in which case something must be done about that. However, psychological projection shouldn’t be ruled out either.

We all project in our daily lives to protect ourselves against emotions, thoughts and perceptions that we judge as being too “bad,” “ugly,” “shameful” or "uncontrollable." Often these disowned aspects of ourselves form our Shadow Selves. This is why it’s important to identify and become aware of what types of projection impact us the most.

What forms of projection have you experienced in your daily life?

Photo by: Gabriela Camerotti

http://lonerwolf.com/psychological-projection/