The 21 Essential Ways to Know if Someone is Drama-Addicted

If you feel like you and your friends are living in a giant reality show with non-stop drama, it may be because of drama addiction.

As you detox from drama addiction yourself, you may need to pull away (temporarily or permanently) from people who feed into the addiction. This is similar to a newly recovering alcoholic distancing him- or herself from previous drinking buddies.

You can watch my FREE video series Breaking The Cycle Of Toxic Relationships, Drama and Stress here to learn more.

While you can have compassion for everyone struggling with addictions, you’ve got to take strong measures to heal yourself. Pray for your friends who are still addicted, send them helpful articles and books if they’re open to it . . . but don’t allow their influence to pull you off your healthy course.

Here are some characteristics to avoid, especially in the beginning of your recovery from drama addiction. Stay away from people who:

• 1. Obsessively and repeatedly talk about their problems, without any interest in solutions.
• 2. Break their promises
• 3. Act and speak dramatically, in an exaggerated, animated way
• 4. Treat others disrespectfully
• 5. Have one-sided conversations—always about being special, either especially wonderful or especially unlucky
• 6. Speak loudly and rapidly
• 7. Currently abuse drugs or alcohol
• 8. Frequently fish for compliments
• 9. Brag about breaking the law
• 10. Have “doomsday” fears about the end of the world
• 11. Constantly express anger about a wide variety of issues
• 12. Frequently use exaggeration words like always and never
• 13. Have unfocused eyes that aren’t looking at you
• 14. Talk at you or to you, not with you
• 15. Only contact you when they want something from you
• 16. Brag about how much stress they’re under, like it’s a badge of courage
• 17. Boast about being a victim, subject to other people’s will
• 18. Gossip negatively about others (they will do the same about you)
• 19. Can cite every detail about every celebrity’s life
• 20. Are incessantly complaining about how much they have to do
• 21. Are in the habit of telling wild stories about themselves or people they know
• As you get stronger in your recovery from stress and drama, you’ll be in a better position to help other drama-addicted people to recognize the stress cycle that they’re in. But in the beginning, it’s best to avoid their company as much as is practical. If they are family members who you feel you must spend time with, we'll discuss healthy ways to retain your mental and physical health in these settings in my book, Don't Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle.
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• DOREEN VIRTUE
• http://www.angeltherapy.com/blog/21-essential-ways-know-if-someone-drama-addicted

5 Signs Of Poor Self-Esteem (And How To Reclaim It For A Better Life)

"Who the f*ck am I?" might be something you toss around in casual conversation, mutter as you gaze in the mirror before a big meeting or whisper through tears as you fall asleep wondering why your life isn’t where you want it to be.

At the core of this question is the underlying assumption that you aren’t good enough. That you don’t deserve happiness. That you should stay entrenched in mediocrity because it's where you belong.

It is a mark of poor self-esteem, and it’s hurting you. A lot.

Self-esteem is having confidence in yourself, in your ability to make the right choices and to handle the consequences. It is also the belief that you have a right to success, fulfillment, and happiness. Whether or not you have it influences every facet of life. It's the difference between reaching the optimal version of yourself and forever wondering what might have been.

Wondering if this applies to you? Here are five signs of low self-esteem and tips on how to reclaim it for the life you deserve.

1. You feel like you always need to prove yourself.

You’re not a newbie. You’ve collected more than a few accolades over your lifetime. But you still feel like you have to continually prove your worth — at work, in classes, even with friends and partners. If you just can’t shake that feeling that you need to do just one more thing to show that you’re good enough, smart enough, or strong enough, then, on some level, you don’t inherently believe in your abilities.

The Fix:

If this applies to you, sit down and map out what exactly you think you need to prove, to whom, and most importantly, why you feel this need. Ask yourself if this has merit. Dispute unhelpful thoughts and exaggerations. Instead, focus on your strengths and achievements so that you can move forward from trying to prove your worth to believing in yourself.

2. You have toxic relationships.

We all know those people — the ones who drain your energy and leave you feeling dejected, anxious, and unworthy. You give and they take. And then they take some more. While you don’t have control over who comes into your life, if you choose to invest your time and energy in a toxic relationship, that spells trouble. Deep down, you think you don’t deserve love and support. That this is the best it can be. That “real” friends don’t really exist.

The Fix:

To give your self-esteem a boost, make a list of the unique gifts that you offer to others. Post it somewhere you can see. When you get a compliment, add it to the list. Once you recognize and own your gifts, you will be better equipped to attract the supportive and loving people you deserve.

3. You're devastated by every setback.

That job loss crushed you. That breakup put you out of commission for months. Not losing 10 pounds by your goal date ruined your self-esteem for half a year.

Life happens, and it’s not always pretty. We are all touched by illness, death, breakups, and disappointment. But if you have low self-esteem, the hit is harder. You don’t have the resilience to bounce back. You feel like things won’t get better — why get up if you’ll just be knocked down again?

The Fix:

By learning to separate normal life setbacks (those that we all face in some form) from your innate abilities and worth is crucial to moving confidently forward. Seeking out support and joining a community of others going through a similar type of crisis can help normalize the experience and get you back on track.

4. You call your success "luck."

If push comes to shove then maybe, just maybe, you can cough up some things you’ve achieved. But as soon as you admit to it, you are quick to dismiss it as “luck.” It wasn’t your talents, hard work, or dedication that prompted your achievements but rather some nebulous force in the universe that just happened to touch you and make things happen.

Wrong. You earned your success, and failure to recognize this can seriously undermine your future efforts in business and your personal life.

The Fix:

While this may feel uncomfortable, document the steps you took to achieve success and why you deserved it. If you map out your journey, you’ll see how the trajectory was shaped by what you did — not by some magical, indiscriminate stroke of luck.

5. You don't pursue your dreams.

For every dream you have, you can find a hundred excuses not to pursue it. Or worse, you may not even allow yourself to dream. Why bother when it’ll never come to pass? Discounting your ability to move toward your ideal life is one of the most detrimental effects of low self-esteem. You might be in a secure position, even in a senior role at a company, but if it’s not what you want to do, then you’re not living up to your true potential.

Dreams don’t have to be wild fantasies — they are just reflections of where you want to go. If you’re not reaching out to find what you really want and where you belong, then you might find yourself wallowing in regret at the end of your life, instead of basking in the joy you’ve found.

The Fix:

If you find yourself daydreaming about your ideal life without taking steps toward it, you may want to try this exercise. Envision yourself on a train — the destination being your best life. What would it look like? Who would be there? How would you feel? What would you be doing?

Once you have a clear enough vision, write down a concrete step you could take to get closer to that dream. Affirm that you are good enough to take that one step. Even a single step can be transformational and send you further on the path to your optimal life.

by Dr. Amanda Richardson

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23579/5-signs-of-poor-self-esteem-and-how-to-reclaim-it-for-a-better-life.html

18 Tips For Healing Anxiety From Toxic Relationships

Being in a relationship that is safe and mutually respectful is a normal human desire and we all deserve to have those qualities in our relationships. However, all too often we blame ourselves for relationship problems, rather than simply acknowledging it is toxic or dysfunctional and whether it is salvageable.

Here are 18 tips for healing anxiety caused by toxic relationships:

Tip 1: Don’t Focus On Whether Or Not Someone Likes You

Instead of being concerned about whether someone likes you and focusing on how your heart pounds and if you feel butterflies when you're around them, wonder instead whether you get excited because your chemistry is reacting to meeting another dysfunctional person. Ask yourself instead, does this person have most, if not all, of the qualities you want in a relationship?

Tip 2: Be Your Own Best Friend

One reason why people stay in unhealthy relationships is the fear of being alone. One reason for this is because you haven’t developed a best-friend relationship with yourself. Try to reach a place where you actually enjoy your own company. And if that doesn’t help, know that being alone is healthier and preferable to being in an unhealthy relationship filled with hostile drama.

Tip 3: Stop Expecting Someone Else To Fix Your Problems

You are responsible for whatever needs fixing in your life, your financial debts, your career, taking care of your body and so forth, not your partner, your best friend or your parents. You will feel much better about yourself and your new confidence will be very attractive.

Tip 4: Know Your Boundaries And Stick To Them

We are constantly sending out hints to other people about how we want to be treated. These are called “boundaries,” meaning your deal breakers for what you will and won’t accept. How much importance you attach to honesty, respect, and reliability are just as important as personal space, time alone, or how much physical affection or romance you require. When you uphold your boundaries, you don’t allow others to manipulate, guilt, or control you, and your inner self will thank you.

Tip 5: Fill Your Life With Positive People

Make a point to initiate a friendship with someone who is consciously improving his or her life. Hang out with people who are accomplishing their dreams, and they’ll take you along for the ride. Worried they won’t want you around? Think again: successful people love to teach and mentor others, provided that you’re kind and appreciative toward them in return. Having this person in your life as a point of reference will highlight areas you need to work on in all of your current relationships.

Tip 6: Make A Wish List Of Your Favorite Personality Traits

Listing desirable traits is helpful in directing your focus when you meet new people, and you’re less likely to get pulled back into old relationship habits. What are the top 5 traits you would like to see in your relationships? These could include honesty, being a good listener, loyalty, being kind to animals, or being appreciative. By identifying your own priorities, you will be better able to see which areas you need to work on specifically in all of your older relationships.

Tip 7: Be A Good Friend To Keep A Good Friend

Surveys show that close friendships are more equated with life happiness than marriage, so these relationships are very important to our well-being. Basic characteristics of a good friend include:

Trustworthiness - keep your promises and have integrity.
Protectiveness - defend your friends if you hear gossip about them, and help them when they need it.
Confidentiality - never gossip about your friends or reveal their secrets to others.
Non-competition - striving to be “better” than your friend puts strain on the relationship.
Mutuality - conversations give both people time and attention to share. Friends listen to each other.
Availability - we’re all busy, but good friends make time for each other.

The most successful friendships, in fact relationships of any kind, will incorporate all of these characteristics. You may need to pull away (temporarily or permanently) from people who do not honor these basic tenets of a strong friendship.

Tip 8: Trust Your Inner Warning Signals

Your body is innately sensitive to other people’s energies and intentions. Check your own inner warning signals, which will alert you that you’re with a toxic or drama-addicted person. Some warning signals you may be getting are:

-    You feel used, because it’s a one-sided relationship, with you doing all the giving
-    You feel guilty, like you owe the person something
-    You feel angry at him or her and at yourself
-    After the person leaves, you feel drained and tired
-    You have a desire to avoid the person.

Trust your intuition here. These feelings won’t be present in a healthy relationship.

Tip 9: Write A Letter To The Person You’re Upset With

Even healthy relationships can hit a rocky patch from time to time. At times like these, it often helps to write a letter to the person you’re upset with. Pour out your feelings, and hold nothing back. Then, in a ceremonious way, burn the letter. You can also send a more restrained version of the letter to the person, after waiting a day or two for a cooling-off period. This way, your letter will reflect your ongoing feelings instead of reactive emotions. It can be the starting point for a mutually beneficial conversation that will get you back on track.

Tip 10: Stop Constant Interrupters In Their Tracks

If someone is constantly interrupting you when you are speaking, stop them early on with a firm “Excuse me, I wasn’t finished talking” If you touch the person’s arm at the same time, the impact is even stronger.

If the interruption is also a correction you can say “Sometimes I feel that you are more my teacher than my friend. I’d prefer to have conversations where it’s just us sharing our feelings.” If their style annoys you, it annoys everyone else too so you are doing them a favor.

Tip 11: Just Say No To Guilt Based Requests

If you feel you are being manipulated and have no choice to comply, stand firm. They might cry, threaten to hurt themselves, say that no one loves them, or remind you of the times that they helped you. But by telling guilt-trippers no without guilt or excuses, they will either find another victim to harass or will realize that these methods aren’t healthy or effective.

Tip 12: Don’t Walk On Eggshells Around Angry People

If someone displays their anger in a physical way, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. However, if it is someone who just gets mad at the slightest provocation but rarely takes responsibility themselves, then release the fantasy that you will find the winning combination that will finally make them happy and peaceful. They most likely will need professional therapy. Tip-toeing around until they calm down doesn’t help anyone.

Tip 13: Give Unreliable People Clear Instructions

The next time an unreliable person makes an appointment with you, explain that your time is valuable and if he or she is not there within 15 minutes of the meeting time, you will need to leave. Back this up with actually leaving so that when they invariably turn up late they will get the message. 

Tip 14: Stand Your Ground

Accusatory people are always looking for a fight, tell them firmly that they are mistaken in their accusations but do not engage in an argument or wander off-topic. Do not engage in blaming wars or you will get into an unending battle.  

Tip 15:  Stop Trying To Rescue Victim-Martyr Types

Since whatever advice you suggest will most likely be met with “I’ve already tried that, it doesn’t work.” It is best not to invest a lot of time into trying to provide a solution to their problem. Once victim-martyrs sense that you are out of ideas to help, they will move on to bending someone else’s ear about their current problem. 

Tip 16: Be Honest About Hurtful Words

When someone says something hurtful it is important that you let them know it. You can say “I don’t believe you meant to hurt me with the words you chose to use, but that’s what happened.” Or, as soon as the person says something hurtful, issue an immediate, honest reaction such as, “Ouch! That hurt!” The person may explain that he or she meant something entirely different than what you heard, but they will also most likely be more tactful in future.

Tip 17: Keep Your Adult Identity During Family Visits

If you feel like your family relationships are recurring nightmares, it’s likely because you’re fighting with fragments of the past. The arguments are on automatic pilot, and no one is really present or conscious at the moment. Remember, the point isn’t to change the other person, or get him or her to apologize. The point is to help you deal with family dynamics in healthy ways. We can’t control other people’s reactions, only our reaction to them.

Be sure to carry an object that reminds you of your current life and helps you feel empowered and proud of your accomplishments. It can be something related to your profession or a hobby. This will help prevent you from reverting to your 12 year old self during the first signs of arguments with family.

You have many choices for dealing with hurt feelings, including detaching, and telling yourself, Well, it’s just their issues; or having compassion for them because they probably don’t want the conflict any more than you do.

Tip 18: Remove Yourself From A Relationship When You Notice A Red Flag

Take your time to get to know someone before you fully commit to a relationship. At the first red-flag, such as not honoring a commitment, or showing a lack of respect; extricate yourself from the relationship immediately before getting any more involved.

As a compassionate, openhearted soul, you want to give. It’s in your nature to care for others and ensure their health and happiness. Occasionally others may take advantage of your kindness which is why it is so important to enforce your boundaries in all of your relationships.

It may feel uncomfortable for you to put these rules into effect, it might feel like you are placing conditions on how you will help people, but if you refuse to do so, you’ll deplete your own energy reserves very quickly. It all boils down to respect. If the people in your life truly care about you, they’ll respect your decisions. The title of my new book is a reminder for you - Don't Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle!

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Doreen Virtue

http://www.angeltherapy.com/blog/18-tips-healing-anxiety-toxic-relationships