14 Signs Someone Is Always Playing The Victim

What do all humans have in common?

We have all played the victim before. How many of us have blamed our little sister or brother for breaking a family heirloom? I know I have. How many of us have pointed the finger at our co-worker for screwing something up at work? But, playing the victim is like eating bad food- it will only make you feel worse in the long run.

Here’s the bottom line: people that believe they are victims tend to push friends, family and coworkers away.

Let’s look at 14 signs that someone is playing the victim card and what they need to do instead:

1. They don’t take responsibility

This is a classic sign of victim behavior. A victim has trouble accepting they contributed to a problem and accepting responsibility for the circumstance that they are in. Instead, they point the finger, or simply ignore their role in perpetuating the problem. They are not overtly saying “I’m a victim”, but instead indirectly sending the message that they’re a martyr.

What’s the remedy here? Every circumstance, situation, and event in their life offers the victim an opportunity for growth. They may not be completely responsible for what has occurred, but they can always ask if they contributed somehow. Asking this question invites a person to be responsible, mature and cooperative. Plus, it will help them avoid similar situations in the future.

2. They are frozen in their life

Victims believe that they are at the mercy of everyone and everything around them. Usually, a victim will not make progress or advance in their life because they perceive that they are powerless. As a result, their life is stagnant. If you were to ask them why, they would respond by giving you a laundry list of reasons why they are stuck. The real sticking point here is that the victim will not usually tell you what they plan to do about their lack of progress in life.

What’s the remedy here? The victim needs to see that small behaviors or changes in their attitude can reap big rewards. Try to help the victim make a list of small, achievable steps they can take towards a goal in their life. Hold them accountable and ask them to hold themselves accountable too.

3. They hold onto grudges

The victim likes to hang onto old grievances. They carry these around like weapons, just in case anyone ever tries to hold them accountable for something. A victim will bring up old memories and events in which they were probably legitimately hurt, but they use them as reasons why they can’t make changes to their attitude, their life, or their circumstances in the present. These hurts and grudges underpin the victim’s hobbled life. .

What’s the remedy here? This one is pretty simple. Let those grudges go! The victim needs to see that keeping grudges is only holding them down, and not doing anything to help anyone else either- although the victim may not believe this. The victim needs to recognize that freeing others of blame is actually returning all power and self-control back to the victim, so guess what? That means they no longer have to be the victim!

4. They have trouble being assertive

The victim does not truly believe they can control their life, so they struggle to state what they need, desire or deserve. The victim’s life will usually involve repeating patterns of submissiveness and passivity. This pattern is detrimental to self-esteem and personal development. The victim fails to break this pattern and suffers from potential anxiety or depressive disorders.

What’s the remedy here? A first recommendation is to seek help from a professional psychologist, counselor, or life coach. This is a chance for the victim to turn the direction of their life around. It could also be beneficial for the victim to read a book on assertiveness, commonly available in libraries or bookstores. Ultimately, learning to be assertive is not a quick fix. It will take time, practice, learning, failing, and trying over and over. In the end, however, the victim will no longer feel that gnawing sense of powerlessness and self-pity that has kept them down for so long.

5. They feel powerless

This could be a shadow behavior, meaning that the victim does not outwardly show that they feel powerless. Instead, the victim will try to be manipulative, coercive, and underhanded in getting what they need. You may have dealt with someone experiencing this kind of powerlessness. Usually, the victim is someone that is suspicious of others, feels insecure, and is constantly needing to know the latest gossip.

What’s the remedy here? First, do not play the game with them. Stay away from the game of sharing gossip, listening to their stories of manipulation, or their stories of insecurity. Let them know you’re there to support them and to listen to them, but not to contribute to their feeling of powerlessness.

6. They don’t trust others

This issue is not only a problem of not trusting others. This is a problem of the victim not believing they are trustworthy themselves. The victim makes the assumption that other people are exactly like them – untrustworthy.

What’s the remedy here? Examine the evidence. Are all people untrustworthy? Probably not. There are trustworthy people in the world. There are people that want the best for you. There are people that want to help you. It is the job of the victim to begin revising their old assumptions about people.

7. They don’t know when to say enough is enough

In relationships, victims have no sense of limits. They don’t know when to say enough is enough.

What’s the remedy here? The victim needs to start creating their own boundaries. What is the maximum they are willing to take in a relationship, or in any given situation? It is the responsibility of the victim to decide these boundaries for themselves.

8. They get into arguments easily

The victim has trouble choosing their battles. To them, every battle is a war. To them, they are under attack all the time.

What’s the remedy here? The victim needs to realize that a difference of opinion, or a criticism is not necessarily about them. It could very well be about the other person. The victim must recognize they have a choice over whether they allow themselves to uncritically enter into petty arguments.

9. They feel sorry for themselves

Victim have a habit of pitying themselves. Their mirror reflects a defenseless child that cannot fend for itself. Since other people do not usually show them sympathy or empathy, they try to give it to themselves, only to potentially appear immature to others. This further traps them in the victim role.

What’s the remedy here? Recognize that all people have tough days and experience bad events. Even the luckiest people experience unfortunate events. The victim must learn to avoid thinking that they are the only person in the world that has experience sad, difficult, or unfair circumstances.

10. They constantly compare themselves to others

The victim usually struggles with the habit of comparing themselves to others negatively. The truth is that we are all lacking in some respect compared to others. No one has it all.

What’s the remedy here? The victim needs to change their view. The victim must recognize that they have good qualities and likely have experienced privileges too. Yes, they’ve probably not always been super lucky, but it’s not all bad!

11. They see life as always lacking

Even when something good happens, the victim will seek out what’s lacking or what’s missing. The victim will complain about complaining and then complain that they can’t stop complaining. It’s a deadly cycle.

What’s the remedy here? They should count their blessings, The victim needs to treasure these blessings and develop a new habit of being positive and optimistic.They should aim to be the most thankful and hopeful person they can be.

12. They are a critic

The victim has a need to put others down and find fault in people. By doing these things, they get a fleeting sense of superiority.

What’s the remedy here? The victim should take all their energy and use it to build others up. This will reflect back on them in a positive way too.

13. They think they are perfect

Ironically, when there is a chance that a victim could be caught in an error, they suddenly become perfect. This arrogance and narcissism closes the victim off from having truly trustworthy and cooperative relationships.

What’s the remedy here? They need to remove the word ‘perfect’ from their vocabulary, and accept that they are human and are not perfect. In fact, the victim needs to realize that the more they own their mistakes and failings, the more others will gravitate towards them.

14. They cut people out of their life

“I’ve had it – they are out of my life for good!” If you’ve heard that statement before and it wasn’t in reference to an actually dangerous or abusive situation, then you’re probably dealing with a victim. Rather, this statement was likely made in reference to everyday behaviors and relationship problems the victim finds challenging. In response to this, their default strategy is to cut people out of their lives. This highly emotional behavior creates chaotic relationships.

What’s the remedy here? Breathe. Stop the brain chatter for a moment. Take a walk.

The victim needs to recognize their pattern of cutting people off. Cutting people off usually doesn’t lead to the resolution of problems and conflict. They could always take a different, more positive approach, such as letting people know their feelings instead.

In the end, the victim will end up facing painful consequences in their life and relationships if they do not change their behavior.

As with most things in life, alternative options are there, we just have to be willing to look for them and make a start.

Featured photo credit: frustrated via freeimages.com

http://www.lifehack.org/287448/14-signs-someone-always-playing-the-victim

7 Signs You Have A Toxic Person In Your Life

There will be moments in your life where you realize that the people you are with may not exactly be the best individuals for you to hang around with.

Every now and then, we experience a certain kind of negativity from the people we care about that doesn't really seem to make sense at first but sooner rather than later becomes all too clear as to what their true intentions are.

In the end, what matters most is your happiness and that you continue onward in your life without those negative kinds of people.

Just remember that you are not the only that this happens too, in fact, you will most likely have to recognize these indications again once another negative or toxic person comes into your life.

Take adversity in strides, deep breaths, and find a solution to the problem as you watch for these indications.

1. Cannot Admit When They Are Wrong About Something

If you've begun to notice that a specific someone in your life that you care for doesn't exactly like admitting that they are wrong to you, then this could be an indication that you are with someone extremely negative.

These people tend to think that they know everything already and that there is no possible way for them to be wrong. If you find it difficult trying to convince them, educate them, or anything else that justifies their obvious wrongness, then you must consider leaving this person behind. You do not want this kind of attitude around you at all times.

2. Have Really Huge Egos

Negative people really love to boast about themselves a lot, making them seem like they are way better than everyone else than they actually are. If you have recognized this about someone, this could be a major indication that they are an extremely negative human being.

They will never show pride in anyone else or anything that isn't theirs. You do not need to associate with this behavior or person. Let them build themselves up without you, they do not need the constant boost in self-esteem from others especially if they do such a good job of doing it themselves.

3. Love To Interrupt Others

Negative people often like to not give anyone else the chance to speak, resulting in an onslaught of interruptions while they are trying to talk about something.

This kind of relates to them not wanting to admit when they are wrong, so they will do their best to interrupt others in order for them to seem like they know what they are talking about. This is a very ugly behavior and if you've recognized this indication about someone's toxic personality, you may have to consider leaving them behind.

4. Very Disrespectful

Negative people do not have proper manners or have a proper mentality when it comes to respecting others. As stated before, negative people love to feed their ego any chance they can get and for some reason disrespecting others fuels them to be that much more horrible.

Most of the time they would rather much try to brag about themselves compared to talking about other people's successes in life. This is a huge indication that it is time for you to remove this negative person from your life.

5. Crave Attention

If you've begun to notice, or have already noticed that a negative person in your life simply loves to draw any form of attention onto themselves, then this is a huge indication that you need to remove this person from your life.

Negative people love to take the spotlight away from others just to have everyone's eye's on them. There is nothing they are not willing to do in order to get what they want when it comes to being the center of everything or everyone.

6. Refuse To Give You Any Attention

Negative people have a very hard time paying attention to others when it comes to listening. They will often show signs that they are uninterested in whatever you're saying, change the subject to something else, or completely ignore you all together.

This is a huge indication that is time for you to remove this toxic person from your life. They will find other things or other people to entertain them if you are not interesting enough for them.

7. Love Playing The Victim

Negative people love to play the victim whenever you call them out on the horrible things they are doing. They will act like none of what you are saying is true, completely lie about everything that they've said or done, and will act like that you were the one that was being a horrible person first.

Do not play into this little game of theirs. Instead, realize that there is no way for you to help this person and that they must be removed from your life since they are unwilling to listen, understand, or even respect you.

Once again, your happiness comes first in the end. You do not have to watch these people slowly destroy your life over time simply because you don't want to lose them. It may be time for you to purge the negativity from your life and find newer, more positive kind of people to associate with.

http://www.higherperspectives.com/toxic-person-life-1940810925.html?page=1

One Vital Thing to Remember About the People in Your Life

Sometimes I feel called to write long, meaty, detailed articles, but today, I want this article to be a gentle reminder. I want to give you this opportunity to stop amid the chaos, friction and endless motion in your life and take a deep breath in.

As you breathe in, let your thoughts drift to all the people in your life right now, no matter how many, or how few. It doesn’t matter.

As you breathe out, travel into your feelings as you reflect on each person.

Now tell me, what do you experience? Perhaps you feel comfortable feelings such as love, safety, admiration, respect or appreciation. On the other hand, you may experience hatred, jealousy, pain, contempt, resentment, anger, shame and frustration. While we tend to judge one set of emotions as good and the other spectrum as bad, I want you to just sit with every emotion that arises and embrace all. Allow them to exist. Let your judgements rise and fall. Don’t worry, you are allowed to judge yourself and others here … we aren’t in bible school! The reality that I have discovered over and over again is that judgement is actually necessary for our growth as a spiritual beings.

So what is the one vital thing I want you to remember about the people in your life right now? I want you to remember this: that every person you meet is your mirror. Every single person you meet or fall into alignment with reflects a vital element of yourself which you have either accepted or rejected.

The people in our lives are our greatest teachers. The way we choose to respond and react to them is a direct reflection of how we treat ourselves.

So think about how you perceive the people in your life at this very moment. Whatever you love and hate about another is a mirror of your own qualities. If I hate you for being narrow-minded, I hate myself for being narrow-minded towards your narrow-mindedness. If I respect you for giving me freedom, I respect myself for giving me freedom. If I have a grudge towards you for treating me badly, I have a grudge towards myself for treating me badly and not allowing forgiveness to reign.

Can you see that every outward action has a corresponding inward reaction … and vice versa?

Every single person in our lives is a potential teacher.

Here are some lessons you can learn from the negative emotions that others stir up in you. Keep in mind that each of these emotions will provide different lessons for different people … so these are just some examples from my own life:

• Anger = I need to go from a myopic view to a big-picture view.
• Grief = I need to learn to make peace with the way life is and reconnect with my whole center.
• Fear = I need to accept that some things are out of my control.
• Hatred = I need to show more love and forgiveness towards myself so I can show it to others.
• Shame = I need to explore my Shadow Self and what I have repressed.
• Blame = I need to take self-responsibility.
• Jealousy = I need to honor where I am in life.
• Guilt = I need to introspect and see where I lost touch with truth.
• Irritability = I need to develop more empathy for other’s needs while respecting my own.

Also keep in mind that any single emotion, such as anger, can provide different lessons according to the context of the day. For example, on one day my anger towards my friend could mean that I need to learn to open my mind. However, on another day my anger towards my friend could mean that I’m still holding onto a grudge and need to let go.

At the end of the day, our soulful expansion heavily depends on how we choose to perceive, treat and react to the people in our lives.

Learning to move from a victim of circumstance to a student of life is a deeply empowering choice to make.

Tell me, how do you handle the people in your life? Do you have any tips to share that could help others?

Photo by: Dirk Dallas

by ALETHEIA LUNA 

http://lonerwolf.com/the-people-in-your-life/

7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

“I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” ~Vincent Van Gogh

I attended an interesting event a few nights ago. It featured ten speakers who spoke for ten minutes each on ten things you should know before you die.

The speakers included TV and film stars, CEOs, cover-shooting photojournalists, traveling journalists covering natural disasters, and HIV survivors. As you can image, there was a wide spectrum of perspectives shared.

Here are a few of the lessons that stuck out for me. A lot of these can profoundly change your mindset, how you view the world, and how you choose to react to things. You just need to take a step back and put things into perspective, which leads us into our first one.

1. Maintain perspective.

A journalist told a story of how he traveled to Haiti after the devastating earthquake that hit them a few years back. In the capital of Port-au-Prince many of the homes had fallen apart, and people who already had nothing were now living in small plots of land in public squares in the city.

The separations between each family’s plot were drawn in by hand, with tents and tarps set up overhead.
In one particular plot was for a seven-year-old girl and a one-year-old boy.

The speaker spoke a bit of Creole French and asked the people in neighboring tents which family these children were with. They replied, “That is the family.”

The seven-year-old girl and one-year-old boy’s parents and older siblings had been killed. She was now responsible for this baby.

This is where the notion of perspective comes in. The next time you’re upset at traffic, or someone is taking too long in the checkout line, or someone hasn’t texted you back quickly enough, take a step back and ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, is this really worth being upset about?

The book Unbroken drove this point home for me. Reading what this man went through quickly made me realize, if I were privileged to be born into a first world country (Canada) in the current peaceful time, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. A reminder to myself the next time Netflix is slow to load something…

2. Take care of your health.

Health is the gateway to happiness. If you are not living with your fullest energy and vibrancy, how can you expect to get the most from life?

This was the main message from a middle-aged woman and entrepreneur who broke the status quo and went her own way in life, much to the dismay of her parents. She dropped out of school and traveled the world, falling into a few rough crowds on the journey and eventually settling in Toronto.

There, she visited a local fresh juice place that ended up changing her life. She fell in love with how the juices made her feel and the energy they gave her, and ended up opening her own juice place called “Juice for Life” (which her Jewish parents hilariously thought was called “Jews for Life” at first). She’s now the founder and CEO of Fresh Restaurants chain in Toronto.

Anyone who knows me knows health is massively important to me as well. I always pose the question: Is it not a bit crazy to think that people will spend more money on their car, their fashion, and accessories than they would on their body?

Ask anyone with a serious illness what would they rather have; they all would give up everything they own to get healthy and undo the damage that was done.

3. Be true to yourself and your calling.

If you are living and doing something that doesn’t align with you, how can you ever be truly happy and enlightened?

This was the main message from the founder of Yuk Yuk’s comedy club, a popular spot in Toronto.

You can imagine the reaction he got from his friends and family when he told them he wanted to enter the comedy business. This was his passion, however, and he knew from experience that if he was doing something different, he would rarely be at peace or be inspired.

When you find something that aligns and resonates with you, you will know it from the energy it gives you.

The Vincent Van Gogh quotes sums the message here up quite nicely: Would you rather die of passion or of boredom?

4. Don’t be afraid to stand out.

When you go your own way and make your own path, you alone write your legacy.

This was the motto of a female photojournalist who spoke to us. She joined the world of journalism in the sixties and seventies, when it was completely dominated by men. She was different from what was considered the norm and despite ridicule, sexist remarks, and being seen as lower, she used it to her advantage.

Being shorter than the male photographers, she was always in front of the pack, allowing her to capture some of the closest, most personal photos. She became one of the first females to have their photos published on the cover of multiple well know magazines, and went on to be the prime journalist covering Terry Fox’s run across Canada.

It is your inherent right to challenge the status quo. Never be afraid to forge your own destiny due to the thoughts of others. People may laugh at you because you are different. You could pack up and quit here, or you could feel sorry for them because they are all the same.

As well, never be afraid to challenge why things are the way they are. After all, this is the very question that has forged almost all innovation mankind has ever done.

5. Don’t play the victim.

As I mentioned earlier, one of the speakers was a girl born with HIV. She was abandoned by her parents and adopted by a supporting family with nine other adopted children.

Her new family took her in with love and put her through school like a normal child. But when the other children’s parents found out she had HIV, it was no longer normal. They refused to invite her over to birthday parties and sleepovers and forbade their children from being friends with her.

She could have closed up and felt angry at the world, but instead she took a position of power and action. Now in her late teens, she has spoken globally, on major TV networks and YouTube, to educate the world on HIV and how ridiculous it is to “ban” your kids from socializing with someone who has it.

Many people constantly place blame on everything and everyone and make themselves a victim. Why did this happen to me? Why can’t I make more money? Why am I stuck at this job?

The world doesn’t owe you anything; you were not born a victim. Yet when you look around how many people do you find complaining about their situation but not taking any action or effort to improve it?

The world gives you so much to work with if you work with it and put in the effort.

6. Re-direct your energy.

An actress told her story of failed audition after failed audition while witnessing other people’s success. She knew she could have gotten caught in the negative energy of envy and blame—upset that others were getting roles, getting paid more, or traveling more.

She didn’t go this way, though; she knew envy can be channeled into focus and motivation.

The lesson in here is quite simple. Instead of wasting energy being angry, envious, or jealous of those with more success, redirect that energy and ask, “What can I learn from this person to improve my own life?”

As a result of doing this, she re-auditioned for a part she hadn’t received and was so motivated she ended up blowing them away and getting the role on the spot.

7. Give your attention.

One of the speakers began his talk with a severe stutter. The energetic crowd grew quiet, not knowing how to react. He then switched to a more fluent voice and told the audience he suffered with this stutter for the first twenty years of his life.

When he was a young teen, he worked at one of Vidal Sassoon’s salons, doing odd behind the scenes jobs where he didn’t need to speak, like sweeping and tidying up after customers. Most people didn’t give him the time of day or would mock his difficulty in speaking.

One day it was announced that Vidal Sassoon himself, the CEO, was coming to visit their Salon. Vidal made a point to meet with everyone, from the highest manager to the ones attending to the cut hair on the floor.

When he approached the young boy, he asked what his name was. The boy tried to respond but was too nervous, and his stutter was so severe that he just could not get his name out. Vidal smiled, crouched down in front of him, and said “It’s okay, son, I have all the time in the world.”

The greatest gift you can give someone is your attention. Never allow yourself to get in the mindset that people are “below you,” because even the smallest conversation can make someone’s day. People will forget many things, but they will always remember how others made them feel.

—

Imagine a world where everyone learned the lessons above from a young age. It’s possible, but starts with each of us.

Woman reading image via Shutterstock

By Paul Milano

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-things-everyone-should-learn-before-they-die/

5 Crippling Lies About Forgiveness (and the Truths That Set You Free)

“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim.” ~C.R. Strahan

It’s not fair, is it?

Getting hurt. All over again.

It wasn’t so bad forgiving them the first time. You rose to the occasion. You became the bigger person. You tried to move on.

You thought you had to. After all, they did ask nicely.

You just knew you’d be BFFs again and go right back to, “Let’s go for Jamba Juice!”

But it didn’t go down like that, did it?

No BFFs. No Jamba Juice. Not even a check-in text.

You put it all on the line and forgave them. Now they’ve let you down again, and you can’t help but think it was the biggest mistake you ever made. And on top of it all, you can’t stop wondering why it all happened to you.

I used to wonder that too.

When I was fourteen, my mom sent me away. She thought it would be nice if there were a nun in the family. And I was going to be it.

I had never been further than my Mamaw’s house. I had just shaved my legs for the first time and gotten my room back after the toddlers moved into the new add-on.

Now, I’d be sharing a room with three other postulants over 1,100 miles away—sleeping on used hospital beds. In silence. For six years.

My life, as I knew it, had ended.

I wasn’t allowed to spend holidays at home. I never got another birthday present. And for six years, all I wore was a homemade blue habit with a plastic collar I had to scrub with a toothbrush.

But then I got out. And my life ended all over again.

Where do you fit when you don’t fit anywhere? I didn’t know anyone. No one knew me. My little brothers and sisters were all teenagers by then. My dad had married the woman he’d had an affair with. And to top it all off, my mom wouldn’t let me come home.

I just wanted to move on. I thought forgiving everyone would make it okay. Forgive my family for giving me away. Forgive the nuns for going all American Horror Story on me. Forgive the Catholic church for expecting me to make up something to say in confession every week. Forgive my parakeet for dying while I was gone.

The more I told myself to stop being angry, the angrier I got. The more I tried to let it go, the more it haunted me at every turn.

After six years, I should have been an expert at forgiveness. But in reality, I was as clueless as a homeless kid trapped in a grown-up twilight zone.

In the end, forgiveness actually became my ultimate game-changer. But only after I saw through the lies people led me to believe.

Can You Trust Everything You Believe About Forgiveness?

There’s a whole lot of noise out there about forgiveness. And you know what noise does? It chats up your Inner Victim and distracts you. The louder the noise gets, the quicker you need to call in your Inner Skeptic. Because some of the noise is nothing but big, fat lies.

Lying to yourself while you forgive someone is worse than not forgiving them at all.

If you want to open your heart to freedom, you must open your eyes about forgiveness. Here are some crippling myths about forgiving that leave you victimized and the truths that will set you free.

LIE: When I forgive, I have to forget what happened and move on.

TRUTH: Remembering how you got hurt empowers you to forgive and create the life you deserve.

When I got home, I tried to forgive my mom for making me grow up isolated and alone. I thought I had to forget that I’d never been allowed to talk to a guy who wasn’t a relative.

The one awkward time I got asked to dance at a happy hour, I freaked out and started picking an imaginary bug out of my drink. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into that cup and float around with the ice cubes.

Acting like the convent never happened was like walking through a minefield with my eyes shut and a great big target on my back. When you forget, you don’t know how to navigate. When you can’t navigate, you fake it.

Faking it is not forgiveness. Faking it does not set you free and keep you safe.

That’s why it’s important to remember. Remembering what happened gives you a compass for where you want to be. It lets you go easy on yourself while you design how it’s going to be from now on.

Remembering how I was kept isolated told me that I didn’t deserve to be lonely any longer. Once I knew I could surround myself with loving relationships in my life, I was open to forgiving my mom.

Honoring your reality lets you build the life you deserve and empowers you to forgive.

LIE: Forgiveness wipes the slate clean and gives them another chance to hurt me.

TRUTH: Forgiveness doesn’t invite you to get hurt again. Forgiveness empowers you to teach others how to treat you differently.

Forgiving someone takes a lot of honesty. Honesty about yourself and how you deserve to be treated. And honesty about the one who hurt you and how they’re inclined to act around you.

You don’t cause the way someone else acts, but you can invite them to act differently with you. If they don’t want to play nice, you get to change the way you show up around them.

When my brother texted me that they all changed their minds about picking me up at the airport, I got frantic. It was Christmas. Mom’s house was an hour away. And all the rental cars were taken.

When you trust people to be exactly who they are, you can adjust your expectations of them accordingly.

I told my family that I wanted control over my travel arrangements and would get my own room and join them for dinner.

The long drive gave me time to think and see them honestly after they let me down. Right then, I decided that I wouldn’t rely on unreliable people any longer. Suddenly, I wasn’t expecting them to rescue me. And I was able to forgive them.

Forgiveness lets you see your offender honestly and puts you in charge of how you’re treated.

LIE: I have to forgive someone or they won’t heal and be forgiven.

TRUTH: When someone asks for forgiveness, they want their own peace back. And that’s not even something you can give them.

One of the biggest truths I learned is that forgiveness heals me. I can’t do someone else’s healing for them.

The only time my mother ever asked me to forgive her was late at night, in the privacy of her own living room, at the bottom of a bottle of Sandeman’s Port.

“Will you forgive me? For everything?”

“Sure. Yeah. Of course,” I’d say. But next year would only find her crying at the bottom of another bottle. I wanted her to be happy. But I couldn’t go there for her.

Setting people free to walk through their own darkness is the truest test of your own freedom.

LIE: I can’t forgive someone who doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.

TRUTH: Forgiveness doesn’t give others what they deserve. Forgiveness gives you the only chance of ever getting what you truly deserve—your freedom.

Freedom means you let go of hurting and decide to take the good stuff for a change.

Letting yourself feel better takes a lot of trust. Trust that there’s enough good stuff out there for you. Trust that even if the bad guy gets some, there’s still always plenty for you.

My early phone chats with Mom always ended badly. She’d start in with, “Remember when you guys used to—” And I’d cut in that, “No, Mom. I don’t remember. I never lived in that house. I was in a convent.” As soon as she’d come back with, “Well, I hope you don’t think that was my idea!” the F-bombs would hit the fan.

I thought I never could forgive her if she wouldn’t admit all that happened to me. Truth is, I don’t think she’ll ever understand all that happened to me. And eventually, it didn’t matter. I stopped waiting for her to deserve it and just gave myself the good stuff anyway.

Forgiveness isn’t about balancing the scales of justice. Forgiveness is about attaining your own freedom along the way.

LIE: I can’t forgive until I know the reason this happened to me.

TRUTH: You may never know the reason anything happened. But you can create your own reason for everything that happens now.

What happened to you wasn’t fair. But why is a question you could be chasing to your grave.

Why torture yourself with making sense of what didn’t make sense? You already suffered through what actually happened to you. Why keep feeding the story with endless possibilities of terrible endings?

I wasted a lot of time wondering why. I wanted it all to somehow make sense. If it wasn’t my fault, it had to be somebody’s. Because what’s more pointless than thinking that I sacrificed my entire youth for absolutely no reason at all?

Finally, I gave myself my own reason. I needed a reason to live now.

If I was going to live, I was going to love living.

The day I gave myself a reason to live was the day I stopped looking for the reason my youth had died.

That was the day that I became free.

Freeing yourself from the burden of why sets you free from an eternal blame game with no end in sight.

How to Break Free Once and for All

Can I get real with you for a second?

We’ve all got an inner victim. Our own personal champion of lies and no way out. And it needs us to believe it.

Here’s the thing—lies get bigger when you believe them. But so does the truth.

Stop pointing fingers at the lies you’ve been led to believe.

You are not a victim. You are strong. And free. And powerful in your truth.

There’s not a thing standing in your way.

Set yourself free already! Take the good stuff for a change.

Man with arms raised image via Shutterstock

Anne Bechard

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-crippling-lies-about-forgiveness-and-the-truths-that-set-you-free/

13 Ways Successful People Deal With Toxic People

Among friends, family and co-workers, there are those whose attitudes can be demeaning and toxic. It is difficult relating to some of these people and thus it becomes a challenge. So how do we get out from the hole and be masters of our own fates?

The best way is to learn from successful people how they have approached the same role of winning the war against toxic individuals.

1. They set limits

Toxic people try to consume you and make you swim deep in their problems. They don’t want to see solutions so they can waste your time by pressuring you to join their pity party.

Successful people understand that there is a fine line between offering to listen to the problems and getting themselves involved too deep in the negative emotional twists of such complainers. That is why they set limits and distance themselves when necessary.

2. They don’t expect or request change

By expecting change, you lower your energy and create a resistance in people. Successful people do not want to be faced with a tone of disapproval, blame or rejection by a toxic person. So they simply suggest feedback and let them decide what they will do with it. They don’t demand actions or instant change.

3. They don’t get embroiled in fights

Successful people know how important it is to store energy. And when it comes to battling with a toxic person, they do well to manage their emotions.

By managing their emotions they can live to fight another day and avoid being brutally beaten. They choose their battles wisely and always pick the right time to be engaged in a fight.

4. They don’t allow anyone to restrict their happiness

Successful people do not allow other people’s opinions to determine their joy. They are masters of their own happiness.

And so, anything that is successfully accomplished and needs to be celebrated cannot be affected by what toxic people are thinking or doing.

5. They don’t forget

By not forgetting what a wrongdoer has done to them, successful people can move on and focus on protecting themselves from future harm. It is not as if forgiveness doesn’t play a part to their success, but they simply do not want to be involved in the mistakes of others.

6. They forge a support system

Successful people understand that battling toxic people alone can be exhausting. To avoid such nerve racking mental exercise, they surround themselves with people who are supportive and willing to help them during difficult situations.

7. They get some rest

They understand the need to stay positive, creative and proactive. And the way they can do this is by getting some sleep. With a well deserved rest, successful people can manage their stress levels and be recharged enough to deal effectively with toxic people.

8. They focus on solutions rather than problems

The best way to manage your emotional state is to fixate on the solutions of the problems you are facing. Successful people focus on personal development and improve their circumstances, thus their attitude produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

Instead of thinking or focusing on how crazy toxic people can be, they think of how they can handle the situation toxic individuals have presented.

9. They set barriers

You can’t deal with everyone in the same way. That is why successful people establish boundaries to rise above the negative people around them. By doing this, they can predict the actions of toxic people. This also equips them with knowing when to put up barriers with negative people and when not to.

10. They are self aware

By being self aware you are able to determine how far anyone can go before he or she pushes your buttons. Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. That is why successful people can manage situations, even when they are confronted by a derailed person. They smile, nod and move on.

11. They rise above negativity

Everyone will agree that toxic people are irrational and crazy. They cannot be reasoned with, so instead of trying to get muddled up in the mix, they focus on not responding to the frenzy and chaos, and respond only to the facts.

12. They never play the victim

While toxic people can play the field to their advantage, you are left to decide whether play the victim or not. Successful people do not allow themselves to be victimized by their emotional state, and instead focus on owning up from within to whatever negativity that surrounds them.

13. They never judge

Successful people are not judgmental. They understand that this can become addictive if they make it a habit. That is why successful people focus on other elements, such as compassion, understanding, respect and forgiveness.

Featured photo credit: http://www.photopin.com via photopin.com

BY CASEY IMAFIDON

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/13-ways-successful-people-deal-with-toxic-people.html