Thursday 31 March 2016
Time.
Time is like a river.
You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.
Enjoy every moment of your life.
http://lessonslearnedinlife.com/time/
What Causes Panic Attacks and How to Stop Them for Good
“You empower what you fight. You withdraw power from what you release.” ~Alan Cohen
Panic attacks can seem to come out of nowhere, without any warning. There is no obvious logical connection between a panic attack and what is happening around us at the time they arise.
Is it really possible to be free of them, without medication? In my personal experience, the answer is yes. I used cognitive, emotional, and physical methods that eradicated my panic attacks.
What Causes Panic Attacks?
The short version of my story is that I experienced a less than peaceful upbringing and had a fair amount of anxiety and panic attacks as a result.
A trusted therapist explained to me that panic attacks develop out of a psyche that is overloaded with repressed feelings. Panic attacks are like the psyche’s release valve.
My earliest memories were comprised of the adults in my life walking out the door, seemingly for good. Sometimes they threatened to leave unless I promised to behave. As a toddler, I believed they were absolutely leaving and never coming back. There were many such incidents, leaving me with a lack of security or trust in my environment.
In addition, there was no room for my emotions in my highly charged toxic environment. Even quiet times held no respite because I knew they were only the eye of a storm that would soon roar to life again.
As a result, I automatically developed a stance much like a solider in battle. When in a storm or bracing for the next one, I remained locked in survival mode, shutting down the expression of authentic emotions.
As my high school days were coming to an end, I finally managed to move away from my family and find a place of my own. It was small, I had no money, and I was working all the time, but I had finally found a drama-free environment where I could learn to let my guard down.
Retrain Your Brain
Even after a long battle is over, many of us continue operating as if we are still in it.
We remain in survival mode, automatically repressing emotions without even realizing it. So, panic attacks can continue after the stress that caused them in the first place is long gone.
It isn’t the original stressful event that caused the attacks anyway—it was the lack of processing the fearful feelings surrounding the stressful event.
You can actually retrain your brain to realize it is safe in the present moment, and that the past trauma is vastly skewing your perception, which is why you are panicking.
A really effective exercise is to write down all the fears that are voiced during a panic attack. Then, write down as many reasonable responses as possible that refute those fears.
This exercise actually trains your brain to form new neural pathways based in reality rather than in the skewed unprocessed feelings and beliefs that come from trauma. A terrific detailed guide for these cognitive exercises is in the book Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns.
As a teenager I worked with a trusted therapist on this. It takes time, but it really does change your perception of things. Each time a reality check proved my fearful thoughts false, I felt stronger and more positive in my interpretation of any situation.
Feel It To Heal It
If you’ve had panic attacks for a while, you’re probably sick of them. You may even tell that panicked voice of yours to just shut up and quit bothering me! However, if unprocessed feelings are what caused the panic attacks in the first place, then expressing and processing them is what will eventually cause them to disappear.
Once I realized that my panic attacks were rooted in consistent abandonment by the adults around me, I could allow that very wise and mature part of myself to listen closely and compassionately to the scared toddler inside, who got spooked anytime something resembling abandonment would arise in my life.
Instead of telling that panicked voice to be quiet, I learned to ask, “What are you afraid of? What do you need? How can I help?” Listening to that scared part of your younger self without judgment finally gives her a voice—no matter how crazy, stupid, or immature that voice may seem.
Only then can the adult part of ourselves provide the comfort to that toddler that should have been provided, many years ago. We could double check to make sure no one is leaving us or being taken from us—or that if they are, knowing that we are going to be just fine.
Act as you would want a parent to act when their children come to them, insisting there is a monster under their bed. It is comforting when parents indulge their children in checking that there are no monsters there rather than insisting that their children be quiet and go back to sleep.
You can be the comforting adult now that you really needed back then.
It is also helpful to remind the scared younger version of ourselves of all of the support and resources we now have as adults.
Adults can get jobs, earn money, drive cars, decide where to live, educate ourselves, form relationships, and break off relationships. These are all tools adults have to provide themselves with the safety and security they need, so, no matter what is happening in the present, we will never feel as helpless as we felt as a child.
Giving my inner toddler a voice finally allowed her to grieve the loss of a safe and stable environment—something I never had space to do before.
Every now and then I would make a point to sit down, pop in a sad movie, and have a good cry for the sole purpose of listening to and comforting the toddler who needed to grieve the absence of a secure place in which to grow up.
Employing these methods on a regular basis gives the scared, younger version of yourself the opportunity to express fears and needs regularly. Responding to that child in a compassionate way ensures that he or she will not have to scream to be heard in the form of a panic attack.
Reprogram Your Body
I had always assumed that one had to have calm thoughts and emotions in order to feel calm physically. It turns out that calming the body is a path to calming thoughts and emotions. As someone who is generally stuck in my head, this was a very foreign concept to me, but one I was willing to explore.
I started doing bodywork with a therapist, getting a massage occasionally, and taking yoga. The point of the bodywork was to reverse my body’s bracing reaction to stress. Intellectually, I could understand that concept, but once I put it into practice, over time, I fully realized this concept.
Being in a physically relaxed state connects every part of us to what is real rather than what we fear. The more often we can bring ourselves back to a physical place of relaxation, the more connected we are to the peaceful perspective instead of the skewed fearful perspective that fosters panic attacks.
Keep At It
Eradicating panic attacks does not happen overnight. Not even close. I found it impossible to picture a panic-free life when I was in the midst of my process, but it did happen after about two years of all of these efforts.
It’s important to be compassionate with yourself and the process for taking so long. It’s also important to engage in extreme self-care during all of it so you don’t get exhausted.
Remember that as strong as your fearful thoughts may seem, they are not your intuition. They are the reaction of your psyche to feelings that have been silenced. As painful as this process is, it is nevertheless an opportunity for healing a wound that has been buried for too long.
Give yourself and your body all the tools possible, cognitive, emotional, and physical, to support your healing.
Have you overcome panic attacks without medication and if so, what methods did you use?
Calm man image via Shutterstock
Wednesday 30 March 2016
6 Sneaky Relationship Betrayals That Have Nothing To Do With Cheating
We all know that the sting of sexual betrayal is one of the most difficult experiences a couple can go through. However, it is only one of the many ways people sabotage their relationships. Here are six of the insidious ways you could be betraying your relationship—that have nothing to do with cheating.
1. Neglecting your relationship.
Relationships are living, dynamic things. They need to be nurtured day in and day out.
I know so many couples who have bought into the idea that once they found a great partner and committed, no more effort would be required, and the relationship would naturally take care of itself. So instead of prioritizing quality time and communication with their partner (like they did when they were dating), the relationship gets pushed to the back burner.
Your relationship will not thrive if you only invest in it when it suits you. This kind of neglect is a one-way ticket to splitsville. Your partner requires (and is worthy of) more than scraps of leftover time and attention.
2. Letting yourself go—mentally and/or physically.
Some couples achieve a certain level of comfort in a relationship, and then gradually stop taking care of their physical and emotional wellbeing. This can mean your physical health falls by the wayside, or your their personal growth work is deprioritized. This can lead to poorer communication, or complacence, and selfishly ignoring your partner's feelings.
When we put less emphasis on being the best version of ourselves, we bring less joy and fulfillment to our relationship. In fact, we start to cultivate opposing feelings: boredom and dissatisfaction.
True closeness with a partner requires true closeness with and value for yourself. Your own healing and self-care strengthens your relationship.
3. Viewing your relationship status as more important than your relationship quality.
We receive so many cultural messages that teach us to think that we’re not good enough, important enough, or desirable enough if we’re single. In response to this, many people go on a fanatical quest to find a partner, get the engagement ring, and run down the aisle.
This way of approaching relationships puts the label “relationship” on a pedestal, and distracts us from the thing that actually matters most: having the human experience we desire most. Dr. Robert Firestone refers to this as the "fantasy bond." In his book, Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, Dr. Firestone says the fantasy bond is the single most important factor leading to the deterioration of love and attraction in a relationship.
When you make the relationship label a higher priority than the actual relationship, intimacy, affection, and the strength of your bond will start to weaken, and in time, disappear altogether.
You have to develop a solid friendship with your partner and routinely check in. Ask yourselves, "Is this still the best relationship we've ever had? If not, what can we do to make it so?"
4. Using your partner.
If you aren't truly owning your development and growth as an individual, you can easily fall into patterns of codependence and begin to (unconsciously) expect your partner to be responsible for your happiness. This is incredibly draining for your significant other.
I’ve seen many people resist personal growth work, and then place the burden on their partner to make up for the emotional groundwork they’re not willing to cover for themselves. This creates an extreme inequality in the relationship—one person is mostly in "give" mode, and one person is mostly in "take" mode.
When we take responsibility for our emotions and internal healing, we take the weight of unfair expectation away from our partner, and allow them to support us as an equal, instead of having to carry us.
5. Insisting on being "right" more often than not.
One of the most damaging ways people respond to fear and insecurity is by shaming others. I’ve seen this quite a bit with the couples I work with. When we are afraid, or feel threatened or triggered into employing our coping mechanisms, we sometimes try to undermine the person we see as "threatening" by shaming or attacking them. The alternative is working through the circumstance, which requires vulnerability.
Shaming can be a statement, tone of voice, or facial expression, that communicates the idea that we think the other person is inferior—that there’s something wrong with who they are. You can also shame someone by simply rolling your eyes or being sarcastic. Here are a few examples of shaming language:
"What is the matter with you?"
"You are just like your mother."
"Be a real man."
"You're crazy!"
"You're so needy!"
Learning to express how you feel versus calling names, reverting to judgment, or trying to undermine your partner, is the difference between pushing love away and building a deeper, more worthwhile connection and sense of trust in your relationship.
When we haven't dealt with our baggage or developed healthy coping strategies for triggering circumstances, we often revert to damaging behaviors like comparison, belittling, shaming, and disrespecting our partners. This kind of behavior slowly chips away at the emotional stability of the relationship. And unless each partner feels emotionally safe, there is no intimacy. Without intimacy, the relationship is in a downward spiral toward an inevitable end.
6. Trying to change your partner.
It’s natural to grow and change over time. As you change, your relationship with your partner will have to adapt and change, too. With clear and loving communication, the individuals in the relationship, and the relationship itself, can evolve fluidly. Adjusting the parameters of your relationship as you and your partner change is healthy and to be expected.
What is very unhealthy is trying to change the core of who your partner is—their unique qualities and personality traits. Trying to create this kind of change sends your partner the message that “I don’t accept you as you are," or “I will love you more if…”
This is not unconditional love. This is love that comes with a checklist.
When you try to change your partner (their wardrobe, their friends, their way of speaking, their career or business dreams), you’re basically telling them that they can only have your love and affection if they throw away their true self and become whatever you want them to be.
This puts our partners in the painful place of having to choose between being authentic and being loved. This breeds resentment and almost always leads to the breakdown of the relationship, as well as to poorer self-esteem and emotional health for both parties.
Whether or not cheating has been an issue in your relationship, ask yourself if you (or your partner) might be betraying your relationship in one of these other ways. It could make the difference between "forever" and "forget about it."
12 Life Changing Quotes From The Late Robin Williams On Life, Love, And Loneliness
He was more than an actor and a comedian. He was an incredibly brilliant man. These are 12 of his most powerful quotes.
“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."
“The essential truth is that sometimes you're worried that they'll find out it's a fluke, that you don't really have it. You've lost the muse or – the worst dread – you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on."
"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."
“Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier."
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone."
“Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting."
“Tweets? That stuff kills conversation. And people taking pictures with their phone or recording you, sometimes surreptitiously, is creepy. They come up and just start talking to you, and you can see the red light on their phone."
“I do believe in love; it's wonderful – especially love (the) third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing."
“Reality: What a concept!"
“Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly."
“I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."
“Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well – you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it."
5 Easy Ways To Clear Your Home Of Negative Energy Now
To help you salute spring's arrival, we’ve put together a new wellness series on how to start the season off right. In this piece, feng shui master Dana Claudat gives you a primer on how to clear your home of all winter's negative energy. And if you’re interested in really springing forward into good health, check out her full course, Your Guide To DIY Feng Shui: Change Your Space To Change Your Life.
A negative space mirrors a negative life.
The total disorganization that erupts when you’re going through a chaotic time at work is common. The unfinished projects that pile up when you're in a toxic friendship or relationship…also common. Once your life gets overwhelmed by negativity, it will always show up in your home in some way.
Clearing this negativity from your space is the first step towards living a more positive life. Here's how to do it:
1. Surrender
Decide to stop forcing things to look or feel a certain way based on other people's standards. Basically, un-decorate your space of everything that doesn't feel true to you—from the centerpieces from your family that you loathe but feel obliged to keep on the table to your friend's artwork that you don’t want on the walls but feel pressured to hang. Let go anything around you that feels like an obligation rather than a joy.
2. Clap in corners
The quickest way to get the stagnant energy out of your space is to clap in the corners of each room, or anywhere the energy feels really depressed. If you’ve got rooms you avoid or places that make you tired, clap in those rooms until you feel a shift. The sound waves—along with your positive intentions—are meant to shake up everything that’s stuck.
3. If it’s broken, fix it.
Everything from a dented car to an unhinged window to a blender that doesn’t work needs to be fixed. It’s all a reflection of your life's condition. Though a home will never be perfect, doing the best you can with what you have will always result in positive energy. If you can’t afford to fix things immediately, make a plan to get them fixed eventually, and keep them in the best possible condition until then.
4. Supercharge your kitchen.
Dr. Terry Wahls gave a talk about her life-healing diet at mindbodygreen's 2014 Revitalize event, and she emphasized the fact that once she started flooding her body with superfoods and nutrients, it “crowded out” all the bad stuff like inflammation and toxins. Flooding a kitchen with plant-based foods and pure pantry ingredients is a great way to crowd out lingering negativity.
Load up your freezer with frozen organic berries, your fridge with fresh vegetables, and your pantry with unprocessed snacks. Rather than focusing on what you “shouldn’t have”, focus instead on gorgeous, vibrant foods that feed you energy and fill you up with so much goodness that you don’t have much room left for anything else.
5. Add love.
Love is thought to be a universal healing agent, and I believe it. Most of my clients place love at the top of their wish lists.
If you want to truly keep the negativity out of your home, make space to do more of the activities you love. Whether it’s a knitting corner, a chef's kitchen, or a getaway to write or make music, set aside a space that you love to use every single day.
Days full of happiness and radiant thoughts are worth the effort it takes to scrub, repair, polish and clear your space of everything that’s overstayed its welcome. When you start removing everything from your home—and your life—that’s not in line with your intentions, the awesome things like love, peace, fun, prosperity, health and connection have space to flourish.
Dana Claudat
Tuesday 29 March 2016
What Aloe Vera Does In Your Body: Why Egyptians Called It The Plant Of Immortality
Known to the Egyptians as the plant of immortality and to Native Americans as the wand of heaven, aloe vera comes with a wide array of amazing healing properties — some of which you may already be aware. You might even have your own aloe vera plant in your home for those small emergencies like scrapes, cuts, and burns, but did you know that aloe vera is not only limited to topical use and is actually even more beneficial to your body when taken internally?
Aloe vera contains over 200 biologically active, naturally occurring constituents which include polysaccharides, vitamins, enzymes, amino acids, and minerals that promote nutrient absorption.
According to The Journal of Environmental Science and Health, aloe vera also possesses anti-bacterial, anti-viral, and anti-fungal properties that assist the immune system in cleansing the body of toxins and invading pathogens. But that isn’t all aloe vera juice/gel has to offer.[1]
Minerals
Aloe vera has loads of minerals including calcium, magnesium, zinc, chromium, selenium, sodium, iron, potassium, copper, and manganese. These minerals work together to boost metabolic pathways.
Enzymes
Aloe Vera contains important enzymes like amylase and lipase which can aid in digestion by breaking down fat and sugar molecules. One molecule in particular, Bradykinase, helps to reduce inflammation.
Vitamins
One study showed that aloe vera actually contains vitamin B12, which is required for the production of red blood cells. That would be great news for vegetarians and vegans in particular, who often do not get adequate amounts of B12 through their regular diet. Keep in mind however, that was just one instance and you shouldn’t rely on aloe alone for your daily requirements of b12. Other studies have shown that taking aloe can assist with the bioavailability of vitamin B12, meaning the body can more easily to absorb and utilize it which can prevent deficiency. Aloe vera is also a source of vitamins A, C,E, folic acid, choline, B1, B2, B3 (niacin), and B6.
Amino Acids
Aloe vera contains 20 of the 22 essential amino acids that are required by the human body. It also contains salicylic acid, which fights inflammation and bacteria.
Other Uses For Aloe
Aside from being an excellent body cleanser, removing toxic matter from the stomach, kidneys, spleen, bladder, liver, and colon, aloe can also offer effective relief from more immediate ailments, such as indigestion, upset stomach, ulcers, and inflammation in the gut. It also strengthens the digestive tract and alleviates joint inflammation, making it a great option for arthritis sufferers.
One study found that aloe vera juice, when taken the same way as a mouthwash, was just as effective at removing plaque as the common mouthwash and its active ingredient, chlorhexidine. This is a much better alternative because it is all-natural, unlike the typical chemical-laden options found in stores.
Aloe vera gel has also been found to effectively heal mouth ulcers, which are more commonly known as canker sores.
How To Take Aloe?
Aloe can be consumed straight from the plant, but the easiest and most palatable option is probably aloe juice, which you can find in most health food stores. You can also buy the leaves from many common grocery stores, or harvest your own, and juice them yourself.
You can buy the juice and mix it into your juices and smoothies or just drink it straight up. Make sure you are buying pure aloe juice/gel which is either of the whole leaf or just the inner filet. It does have a somewhat bitter taste though, so you may want to include other things. On the bottle you can find specific dosing instructions, but it would be wise to talk to a natural health expert or do some research into the matter to find instructions on specific dosing.
Much Love
Learn more about the amazing benefits of aloe vera or purchase some for your self, please click here.
Source:
How to Know if You Are a Bridge Between Worlds
Contributing Writer for Wake Up World
Many of us, who feel we have awoken, currently find ourselves straddling two worlds. One is the old world, the one we all grew up in. This reality was imposed on us from the top down. In this version we are taught that life is harsh, there is much to fear. It is vital that we trust authority and for our own safety, accept being governed (aka controlled) by external influences. Immersed in this old paradigm we indeed look out and see so much that reinforces its dismal, restrictive perspective. This is a dog-eat-dog world in which me must struggle and fight to get, and hold onto, our piece of the pie.
In contrast, the new reality that many of us feel lapping at the edges of our internal horizon, is based on love, authenticity, and personal sovereignty. Those who have chosen to pay attention and listen to the whispers that blow gently on the winds of this inner landscape, discover the wisdom of our hearts and a truth that, unlike our increasingly synthetic external reality, feels right and good. When we ground ourselves in this new world we find our lives are no longer dictated by fear, instead we are propelled by a yearning for connection, authenticity, compassion and harmony.
These are the realities of the old and new paradigms that currently co-exist on Earth. At this time, no matter how hard we work to nurture our relationship to the ‘new’ world, the fact remains that the old world is still here. In fact if we pay attention to the theatrics disseminated by the mainstream media it would seem that everything is business as usual. Many of us likely also have family and friends who ridicule the romantic, idealist perspective we espouse, and attempt to convince us that we are naive to believe in the fanciful notion of a world based on love. As we look out and witness our rights being eroded, the wide spread destruction, the extensive suffering, and the obvious corruption, it is hard not to feel the pull of the old world as it attempts to reassert its control over our beliefs and drag us back into the sway of its stifling, rigid fold.
And yet, when we take the time to focus on the truth of our hearts we recognize the external droning for what it is: a shallow, crumbling illusion that we have outgrown. This is the vacillating, sometimes confusing, and undoubtedly challenging life of being ‘a bridge’ between two worlds.
If you identify with what is written here you are likely a bridge: a person who has awoken here in this time and place in order to assist in the process of shifting out of the old world paradigm and ushering in a fresh new one. When we are able to so clearly see the incredible spark of potential that exists for humanity it can inevitably feel frustrating to also see how fiercely the stubborn, unyielding, oppressive old paradigm clings to its position of authority. Some days we may wish that we had never woken up so that we didn’t have to face the awkwardness and discomfort that comes with awareness. However, those of us who find ourselves straddling two worlds are in the blessed position of being able to serve humanity by participating in, and facilitating a profound and exciting process of transformation. Fortunately, while we can’t simply wish away the old world, there are steps we can take to make the transition smoother.
Be conscious of your energy and how you direct it
We each have an energy signature, the energy that flows out from within. While this energy has an essence that is unique and distinctly us, it is not stagnant and can change in pitch and vibration depending on how it is influenced. When we feel grounded in a heart-based world view we feel expanded, optimistic and powerful, and our energy reflects this and transmits this frequency out into the wider world, adding to the power and shine of the new. However, if we focus too much on the negative and allow ourselves to slip into the sway of the old, our energy contracts and we feel helpless and fearful. This of course feeds and fuels the very paradigm that we want to leave behind. So while it can be useful to understand the dynamics and mechanisms of the old, and it is inevitable to be affected to some extent, it is important to recognize when it is time to shift our focus away from the upsetting and distressing, to that which is uplifting and inspiring in order to re-centre and recharge.
Trust the process
Learning to be guided by internal rather than external cues can be extremely challenging. Most of us have internalized mountains of distorted beliefs and the process of healing and realigning our inner worlds is by no means a walk in the park. Personally I have found that my healing journey seems to have a life of its own, as though it is orchestrated by a wiser more enlightened version of myself. When I try to control and dictate what I experience I find myself battling and struggling. However, when I trust the process and am patient and open to allowing it to organically unfold without judgement, it becomes a much gentler experience. When energies with roots in repressed old wounds surface it is undoubtedly uncomfortable to acknowledge, integrate and/or release them. However, I have found that the more I embrace them the more quickly they move through me, reducing the amount of old baggage I carry, and leaving me feeling lighter, more solid and ultimately more vibrant.
Be radically you
We are no longer on the king’s highway. In the new paradigm there is no right way or wrong way, we are each responsible for finding our own path to navigate through life. The most important thing we can do to facilitate this transition is to be completely and unapologetically ourselves. We each carry a vital piece of the whole within. In the old world we were taught to hide our uniqueness and strive to fit into an externally dictated ideal mould. In the new paradigm our uniqueness is precious and should be celebrated. We each see the world from our own very personal reference point and the more we share our vision, the richer and more vibrant the whole becomes. So please let’s explore our vast inner worlds so that we may uncover and share the exquisite treasures we all carry within.
Connect with like-minded people
Because frequency affects and is affected by the energy it is immersed in, it is much easier to hold a positive vibe when we are surrounded by other optimistic, empowering people Sometimes we need to let go of old relationships that drag us down, in order to make way for new, supportive, more heart aligned relationships. As more and more connections are formed between like-minded people who consciously choose to step away from the competitive, egocentric paradigm in which we were indoctrinated, into new more collective, loving ways of being, pockets of new energy are forming, spreading, strengthening and becoming more visible, and the new world gradually becomes more prominent in our reality.
What to Do When People Always Underestimate You
“You can’t base your life on other people’s expectations.” ~Stevie Wonder
Being blatantly underestimated is simply a part of my life.
No matter what I’m doing, the ordinary will seem extraordinary, and the extraordinary will seem insurmountable to those who look at me for the first time. There is no way I am contributing the same amount to society as the rest of the world.
These are not drawn conclusions on my part; I have been told these very things straight to my face. People perceive me this way because of the white cane in my hand, the badge, letting everyone know of my lack of vision.
The most extreme instance of this happened while I was riding the bus, heading to an early college lecture. The man boarded the bus and sat down next to me. After he asked me how I was, and I answered as politeness dictates, I asked him the same.
His response was, “I’ve been better. I just got out of prison.”
The conversation went downhill from there. He told me that he had wanted to “throw in the towel,” “call it a day,” “end his life.”
He then said to me, earnestly and sincerely, “but seeing you, and realizing how horrible your life is, there’s no way I could take my life. You’ve inspired me, showing me that someone has it much worse than I do.”
As I rode that bus down to the university I attended, and he rode that bus to who knew where just after getting out of prison, a knot of bitterness tried to wriggle its way up my throat.
I had been completely underestimated without a second thought, my life relegated to mere scraps of what it actually was because of one small quality.
When people hear the word “prejudice,” they automatically think of the worst instance of judging another and immediately put themselves in the innocent category. There is no way that we underestimate or discriminate in the way that the word prejudice makes us think we do. The word, however, in the Marriam Webster dictionary is simply defined as:
“An adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge.”
It is extremely easy for someone to glean one small fact about another person and immediately begin to underestimate them without realizing it. Because of this, so many of us are being underestimated for circumstances out of our control. It could be that:
- You are in an entry level position, inexperienced in your field as you continue to learn and grow
- You are between jobs, and you’re constantly searching
- You’re young or unmarried or in an uncertain place financially, and a baby is on the way
- You have a physical or a mental disability
- You find yourself in a career that the world thinks will yield no return.
Even though you are, without a doubt, a uniquely valuable, talented person, that one small circumstance has the potential to bring you down in the eyes of the world around you.
Though the general advice for people in a situation where others are commenting in a negative way is to not listen to the rest of the world, it can be difficult, when day after day, we are repeatedly told that we are less than we actually are.
I know how it feels to be underestimated. I know how it feels when low expectations are heaped upon me without a second thought.
I have, however, learned a few incredible lessons about being underestimated, and I’ve learned how to, for the most part, combat the pressures of being underappreciated.
So, for those of you who are underestimated because of a circumstance that you can’t control, I hope these actionable steps can help you as they have helped me.
Know Your Worth
This is the easiest, most straightforward step you can take to keep negativity from dragging you down. It is, however, one of the hardest steps to actually put in to practice. When people tell us that we aren’t as valuable as we know we are, it can be easy to begin to believe them.
You have to intentionally, consciously remember how valuable you really are. Here are a few ways to bring this abstract, but essential step in to the practical:
Compliment yourself.
Whenever you hear a negative comment aimed at you, combat it with a positive one.
Compliment yourself when you look in the mirror. Compliment yourself before you walk out the door in the morning. Positively affirm yourself, bringing the qualities that make you unique and valuable to the front of your mind.
Bring to mind the reasons for self-pride.
No matter how insignificant they may seem, if you’ve done something in the past that you are proud of, or you are doing something now that propels you forward, these accomplishments can show you that the one small thing you are being underestimated for is actually not that important when you really think about it.
Show pride in yourself externally.
What I mean is, walk confidently, make smart clothing choices, do each of your actions to the best of your ability, and eventually your feelings of self-worth will soar.
It’s also harder for people to underestimate you if you look as though you know what you’re doing. It might seem as though you’re trying to fake it until you make it, but trust me, you won’t have to fake it for long.
Educate Those Doing the Understanding
As someone who is totally blind, I have learned something very important: there are many people out there that are just ignorant and misinformed. They’ve never interacted with a blind person before, so they simply don’t know any better.
Once I begin to talk to them, share my story, show them that I am just like anyone else, many of them begin to have much higher opinions of me and what I can do.
Everyone has a story, and it can be therapeutic to open up and share it. Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or a stranger you’re talking to for the first time, you can have a chance to bring that person a perspective that might not have been known before.
You don’t have to share your life with every person you meet, but misinformation and lack of understanding plays a huge part in the underappreciation of others.
Surround Yourself with Like-Minded People Who Understand You
These are the people you can vent your frustrations to, the people who will bring you through when others want to put you down.
This step, for me, is key to keeping the positivity in my life. I already have to deal with people who may or may not see me in the way I see myself, so why would I want to go home and experience that, or invite that kind of negativity in to my life?
Sometimes, the people who are around you the most—your family, your friends, your colleagues—are the ones who are doing the underestimating.
I know this can be the hardest part for some of you, which is why it is all the more important to find a small inner circle that can support you where you are. Your inner circle should be the ones to cheer you on and stand with you, from a position of wanting to lift up and not pull down.
If you find a group like this, and the underappreciation becomes too much, they will help you stay sane. I can promise you that. An open mind and a readiness to meet new people and forge relationships is really all you need to begin connecting with others on a deeper, more supportive level.
Join a group of like-minded people, such as a meditation or yoga group, an intuition development class, a writer’s club, anywhere that will allow you to feel supported and connected. When you begin to meet with people, be prepared to share and open up, at least a little. These people are there to connect in the same way you are, and being open and authentic breeds trust.
These types of relationships aren’t built in a day; it will take work and consistency to see results, but if you have a desire to connect, people will understand or feel that on a deeper level and will want to reciprocate. Connections like these can lead to the most fulfilling relationships, which are the kind that can help to combat low expectations and negativity.
Prove Them Wrong
The people who are doing the underestimating think they know something about you that, for some reason, you don’t know about yourself. You, however, have the home court advantage; you know more about yourself than anyone else ever can or will.
- You know how valuable you truly are.
- You know from what place most of these people are speaking.
- You know that you can communicate with someone who will lift you up.
And, at the end of the day, you are the one with the plan for your life. You are the one who knows how successful you are and can continue to be.
So, you are the only one who can put one foot in front of the other and just keep on moving, even when others think they know the exact reason why you should stop. You are the only one who can prove them wrong.
In the end, you are the one in control. No matter what anyone thinks or says, you choose your life and your path.
If you know your own value and keep moving forward, if you understand the mindset of the people around you and hold on to those closest to you who love you, you will begin to see a transformation in the perceptions of those you encounter throughout your life and within yourself.
Woman silhouette via Shutterstock
By Rylie Robinson
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