It’s been said that you can’t change your partner, you can only change yourself and/or your perception of your partner.
But… while you can’t make a person change, you can motivate them to change by initiating changes in yourself that help the relationship.
One way to do this is to visualize the ideal situation. How do you envision your partner to be, and more importantly, how do you envision YOURSELF to be? What attitudes and behaviors are you embodying in that ideal situation? For example, if right now your partner is doing something that is driving you nuts and you are boiling with resentment and anger and you’re taking it out on your partner with a cold shoulder or verbal jabs… who is being hurt by this behavior? Both of you!
The thing is, we don’t always respond to a partner’s behavior in the best way. Sometimes we react in ways that do more harm than good. So the first step is to visualize the ideal situation, where your focus is on what you are doing right to make both you and your partner feel good.
What are some possible changes you can focus on making in yourself?
- Becoming more tolerant and accepting of your partner’s quirks and choosing to notice the good in your partner rather than the things that irritate you. Visualize yourself appreciating your partner’s qualities – the ones you fell in love with – and visualize yourself knowing that if your partner didn’t have certain quirks and weird behaviors, they would not be who they are and you wouldn’t have fallen in love.
- Becoming more accepting and loving toward yourself – often, people take out their insecurities and low self-esteem on their partner, by belittling them or even bullying them. If there is something you strongly dislike about your partner, LOOK TO YOURSELF first and figure out what it is you don’t like about yourself. Visualize yourself through the eyes of your partner, when you first met. What wonderful qualities attracted him or her? What did they fall in love with? Celebrate those qualities!
- If you have breached trust (infidelity, secretive out-of-control spending, etc.) then becoming fully transparent is essential to regaining your partner’s trust. Visualize yourself openly communicating with your partner so that any future harmful behavior will be prevented.
- Loosening your grip on your partner and becoming less clingy and/or controlling (a sign of deep insecurity). Visualize yourself letting your partner have his or her friends and a life outside the relationship.
If you feel like your partner doesn’t hear what you’re saying, ask yourself, “am I really saying everything I need to say, or do I keep things bottled up because am I more concerned about not hurting his or her feelings?” Try communicating more about what’s on your mind and in your heart. You would be surprised at how many relationship problems arise when one partner is afraid to voice what’s in their heart, for fear of hurting the other! It drives a serious wedge between the two of you. Visualize yourself openly talking to your partner, safely, comfortably and even when you have something hard to say, doing it in a loving and respectful way.
- If you feel like you’ve lost a connection with your partner, visualize yourself listening deeply and completely, not with an intent to reply but to compassionately and lovingly hear what your partner is saying. Your partner may have stopped communicating with you because a) they feel that you will become overly upset and react harshly; or b) you will dismiss what they are feeling as unimportant.
- If you have stopped taking care of yourself, for whatever reason, visualize yourself at your ideal weight, looking and feeling sexy and healthy. It’s unfair to expect a partner to desire you if you don’t care about yourself enough to stay healthy and attractive. By making the conscious choice to exercise more, eat better and manage stress, you can encourage your partner to join you and do the same.
Don’t lose hope. Don’t give up yet. Focus on an inner transformation that can create a wonderful positive domino effect in your marriage. You’ll be amazed at how quickly your partner will respond – as you raise your vibration, your partner’s will elevate as well and your partnership will start moving in the right direction again!
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