Anger is a hot emotion that can override logic, reason and in many cases, compassion and understanding. It escalates situations, quickly and explosively or by simmering and boiling as resentment until the sheer force of it erupts.
Anger is easily triggered and it’s a powerful low vibration.
I’m not suggesting you avoid becoming angry. You have every right to be angry sometimes. The question is, are you letting the vibration of anger control you, or have you mastered the art of FEELING anger, experiencing it and expressing it in a positive way, and letting it go?
Most of us have not mastered anger.
So what are the effects of this low vibration?
Violence. Hatred. Refusal to see the other person’s point of view. Selfish behaviors. Ruined relationships. Opportunities taken away. Heart attacks. Road rage. Burned bridges. Trouble with the law. Chronic stress. Shame. Guilt. Self-loathing. Prejudice.
Of course some of these are much more extreme than others and they don’t all apply to you. Nevertheless, none of these are exactly the results you want, when you express anger in unhealthy ways.
Have you ever stomped out of a room in anger over a disagreement with a friend – only to have the friendship die right there, when if anger were managed, an agreeable solution could have come about? Have you ever road-raged your way to work only to have such a foul attitude when you got there that your boss chose not to assign an important career-advancing project to you? Have you ever thrown or broken anything in anger? Have you ever held a grudge for so long that it became the driving force in how you perceived and interacted with someone?
Anger NEEDS to be released in a healthy way. You must give anger an outlet that is not destructive. It’s better to go for a run than to have an explosive episode with your partner. It’s better to throw paint at a canvas than to throw china against the wall. It’s better to go outside and have a good “primal scream” than to scream at your kids. It’s better to go for a walk and cool down before you close the door on a friendship by saying something really awful that you can never unsay. It’s better to hit your pillow than to hit your spouse.
You know this – but can you do it?
Controlling anger means you are able to experience the anger, but you do not take action while you are experiencing this powerful emotion.
Can you BREATHE for a few minutes until you get yourself under control, or do you succumb to a knee-jerk reaction?
The only way to learn anger management is to practice it. Here is a useful tip for managing anger in the heat of the moment:
As you feel anger rising, allow yourself to fully experience it. But instead of paying attention to the person or situation that caused the anger, turn inward. Focus on the feeling itself. Close your eyes and TAKE a minute to collect yourself as you feel anger.
What does it do in your body? What are the physical sensations that express anger? Does your heart feel constricted? Do you feel heat? Tension in the muscles? Does a vein pop out on your forehead? Do you start sweating? Shaking? Do your fists automatically clench? Do you feel a surge of adrenaline? Do you feel the urge to FIGHT or to take some sort of immediate physical action?
If you give yourself a minute and a half of self-awareness like this, you give yourself three gifts:
- self-awareness
- self-control: the ability to respond rather than react
- a chance to cool down and choose a better interpretation of the event (perhaps seeing it from the other person’s point of view and a response that will have better results
Having this awareness and self-control means you allow the emotion of anger to run its course naturally instead of allowing the energy to escalate. Once the anger is “out of your system” (literally, as the chemical reaction is over) you can regain your sense of control and dignity.
This is hard in the beginning, but keep at it. Remind yourself that if you’re going to throw hot lava at someone who made you mad… you will hurt them, but you also have to pick up that hot lava and that will hurt you too.
Some ways to prevent anger:
- Know your triggers
- remove yourself from them if you can
- re-interpret them (truly, not every driver out there is a jerk who’s out to make your life hell – they’re regular people just like, you, stressed out, distracted and
- Set very clear boundaries. If you are reacting to how you are being treated, you need to realize that you are not a victim. You are in control of your life! The reactions you make are your choices. Stop reacting and be proactive by setting clear guidelines on how you expect to be treated – with respect, dignity, kindness, compassion and understanding. DO NOT TOLERATE being treated badly. It’s better to end a relationship in which you are not respected.
- Talk to someone you trust. Talk to a professional about how uncontrolled anger is running – and ruining – your life.
- Find a safe place to find a healthy release. Non-contact sports (where you may be tempted to be aggressive and violent) are best. Rock climbing, running, swimming and cycling are great ways to release anger and as a bonus, get the endorphin rush that will boost your mood.
- When you are in a calm state of mind, practice gratitude. This helps you reframe the way you think about the people and situations in your life – including your triggers. A daily gratitude practice will help you dissipate anger and prevent it from being as prevalent in your life. Gratitude is the single most powerful way to elevate the vibration of anger to the higher vibrations of acceptance, happiness, calm and appreciation.
- Remind yourself that you can’t control what happens but you ALWAYS (always, always, always) have control over how you react.
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